Appomattox – Day 10

This weekend, I was ecstatic about finishing up my 3rd week of boxing. I figured “alright, I’m in it now. There’s no turning back, so let’s do this up the right way!”

So I solicited the aid of Nuggets.

For those of you who don’t know, Nuggets is a very good friend of mine who is all … dancey and choreographic… and fit conscious. You know those people who actually make meals with consideration to the food pyramid and… calories and stuff.

Yeah, she’s one of those.

So, I call her up and ask her to take me into her world to get fitness things. And, she was like

…. “sure, okay.” (you should’ve seen her when I asked her to help me meal prep)

I got up fairly early, and decided to head over to Dick’s to try to find some shoes. (I KNOW! I’m like investing in this!)

Dick’s had… well, precisely that.

They had no boxing shoes or wrestling shoes of any kind… so I was sad. Last week, Jamie had debuted some awesome red white and blue shoes that he said he had picked up.

Me: Where did you get your boxing shoes from?

Jamie: Omega Sports in North Hills. I’d call first, though. They’re running low.

Well, as luck would have it, I had to head to North Hills anyway, so Nuggets and I stopped there first. As soon as I walked in, Lee gave me the impression that I had come to the right place. I had to stop myself from running through that store and buying EVERYTHING. But I calmly said

I would like some boxing shoes, please.

He told me that they MAYBE had 3 pairs left, but he would be more than happy to help me out, and he asked me for my shoe size. I met him over on the little bench and had hardly sat down before another young man asked if he could help me (WORLDS difference between the two sales associates I had to track down and hog tie to get some help over at Dicks… but anyway)

Lee came back out with two boxes. One was a 9.5 and the other was a 10.5. He opened the boxes and one was a standard black and white pair (blech) and the other…. was the exact same shoes that Jamie had.

Me: Of course.

Lee: Wanna try them on?

Me: *sigh*… yup.

…..

Me: Why do they fit perfectly?

Nuggets: … cuz.

Me: Why are me and Jamie about to have matching shoes?

Nuggets: Seriously? Could it be any other way?

Me:

So, I bought the shoes… AND… they were on sale.

(Seriously though, Lee Hopkins, at Omega Sports in North Hills was everything! And I’m going back for some more Neon Warrior armor!)

So now it was off to GNC. Marine Matt had suggested I go and see George Jefferis for all my supplemental needs. He was really great and helpful as well. He started me off with a multivitamin and some fish oil (cuz my joints … are @$$holes). He said next time, we’d talk about protein.

Looking forward to it, George.

Me: He was cute as hell!

Nuggets: Girl! They are ALWAYS cute at GNC… why do you think I stay fit?!

Me: “Live Well” indeed!

So I felt ready for class. I carefully planned out my outfit and was feeling pretty good.

File Apr 13, 3 13 34 PM

I. Am. An American Badass!

Oh I looked FANTASTIC! My girl Stones was there… today was gonna be a good day.

Dave walked in, and I wasn’t even phased.

I was ready for Dave.

Speed!

I picked my spot perfectly. I was next to Stones, cuz she goes hard and every time I stop, I know she’s say “You got this. Keep going.” And I had Justin in my sights, because every time I see him, I hear him say “Breathe.” because apparently… I forget to do that… a lot.

Speed is going very well. Before I know it, the bell rings. I’m really killin it on the bag work. I mean… I’m pacing myself. I’m remembering to breathe, I’m staying in my stance. I have to remember to bring my hands back to my face, but all in all, I’m tearing into these rounds like a beast!

I’m also realizing that, while I brought my stripey socks just to be cute and funny, they actually helped my calves not burn so much. They get added to the shopping list! This class is going fantastic!

Alright! Meet me outside!

Alrighty, Dave.

I get some water and try to get my mind right. I’ve been losing my most recent battles with Parking Lot. That can’t happen today. I’ve beat it before, and I can do it again.

I can do this.

Alright…. We’re gonna do sprints! Gonna have a relay!

…. I can’t do this.

Body: NOPE!… NOPENOPE

Me: aww… c’mon, don’t think like that! We used to be pretty fast

Body: YEAH! on Track n Field day! that was 24 years ago! Have you seen your knees lately?!

Knees:

Me: No… we can do this. I have faith in us.

Body: If you won’t think of yourself, think of your poor hips… pounding that pavement like that…

Hips:

Me: Look. I’m in charge… what I say goes, and I say we’re doing this… it’s gonna be fine.

Stones: I’m gonna go first.

Jenna: You wanna go second?

Me: I absolutely will NOT go second. I’ll go last.

Body: If you sprint up and down this parking lot… we will murder you… in cold blood.

I see Jenna running towards me and I’m already terrified. What if I can’t do this? What if I fail. Worse… what if I fall?!

All of my worst fears were playing out in my mind and then… I felt Jenna hit my hand.

And, I took OFF!

Me: OMG THIS IS AMAZING! I’m doing it! I’m so freakin’ FAST! I’m already at the end. I am one with the wind!

Body:

I did it! I sprinted down the parking lot, and back up. and I was so quick! I was so proud of myself! I was so… So….

…. So this is how I die.

Apparently, Dave recognized something in me, cuz he came over to me with the quickness.

It’s alright. You’re okay. Control your breathing.

My whole being, wanted to be flat on the ground, to await that next place. Dave yanked me up by my arm.

Whoa! no no.. stay up. C’mon, let’s walk around. Raise your arms… breathe.

I’m under the stairs, in a corner of bricks and I was making this weird, wounded noise that I’d never heard before. And I realized that I was 30% gagging, 40% crying and 20% hyperventilating. The last 10% was my body trying to come up with a word other than “No.”

Hey. You’re okay. Slow your breathing down. Control it.

No, no Dave!… I’m absolutely not okay.

I’m unconsciously rubbing my chest cuz I can’t think of anything else to do. I cant breathe. My body has betrayed me in the worst way. But, Dave keeps talking to me. He convinces me that I am in fact not going to die today and if I would just slow down my breathing, so much more air would get into my lungs.

… I really like Dave.

It finally starts to work and I’m more than a little embarrassed. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but if it feels anything like that…

So I hurry myself into the bathroom (I spend a lot of time in there) to sort out my feelings, and now I’m 80% crying and 20% trying to get my breathing regulated. Everything burns and I’m shaking.

Body: Hey… so… things got a little out of hand.

Me: Leave me alone. I surrender, okay?

Body: We’re sorry. We didn’t mean for all that to happen.

Me: I’d like one class where I don’t have a nervous breakdown.

Body: Remember the first time you cried here?

Me: No

Body: Out in the parking lot. You cried cuz you couldn’t make it halfway … doing half lunges.

Me: *sniffle* so?

Body: … well, you just sprinted up and down that bitch.

Me:

I rejoined the class and we had to do rotating 1,2s on the bags. I had to stop every so often, but Dave wouldn’t let me give up. He’d tell me to get right back in there.

And I would.

Just like that, the war was over. Mind and Body were gonna try to become a union. It’s the little victories. Every time I pick myself up, it’s another win. Every time I throw myself back into it, it’s another yard gained. I may not be an American Badass.

But I will be one day.

I’ll take it one little victory at a time.

File Apr 14, 4 42 32 PM

I can do this.

 

 

Wet Bags – Day 9…ish

Okay so…

I actually went to the gym on Tuesday, but I wasn’t feeling all that great, so I ended up being late, and It was apparent to me that class was not in the cards for me on that day, so Donnie was gracious enough to let me work alongside him. We did some jump rope and shadow boxing and I felt pretty good about what I did, but it hardly counts for its own post.

On Tuesday, Jamie texted me to let me know he too was gonna be late.

Jamie: I also need to rehang that speed bag, with which you’ll soon fall in love.

Me: I have no doubt.

So my Tuesday passed fairly uneventful.

Today, I got up, and I was feeling a little bit better. I was still super sore, but I was excited because this was the end of my third week.

I start out with stretching, because my whole body is angry, and I put so much icy hot on myself the night before, that I couldn’t sleep because all of my 2000 parts were at different temperatures, my eyes were watering and my sinuses were FAR too clear!

So I’m looking around the torture chamber, and I’m noticing a couple new bags. Undoubtedly, this will be used in our hour of torment, along with my old friend, Awkward Tire.

We actually start off in the other room. We have to shuffle step twice, touch down, come back up and straight into our 1,2, then shuffle back to starting position. Sounds easy enough… LOOKS easy enough. So, I get in the ring.

IMMEDIATELY, my feet declare mutiny!

Me: Shuffle, shuffle, touch down… 1… What are you doing?

Feet: What?

Me: You’re supposed to move when I hit things

Left Foot: I was waiting for Right Foot

Right Foot: Only YOU move on the 1, … dumbass

LF: Oh! Okay… sorry… GOT IT!

Me: Okay *shuffle back*… shuffle shuffle touch down, 1, 2… Right foot!

RF: What?

Me: You’re supposed to pivot on the 2

RF: oh… right. yeah, you don’t really need me for this.. I’m just gonna hang out back here.

Alien: Right Foot is an a**hole!

Me: Shut up, Bob! Right Foot, we have to do this together, c’mon, do your part

RF: whatever.

Me: Okay, shuffle shuffle, touch down, 1,

LF: FORWARD FORWARD!

Me: … Left Foot! What are you doing?

LF: Right Foot wasn’t going to move, so I’m helping.

Me: okay… that’s really sweet, and I appreciate the enthusiasm, but Right Foot has gotta pull its own weight. Right Foot… I swear…

RF: okay OKAY! Jeez!

Me: Shuffle shuffle, touch down,

RF: Forward…

LF: BACKWARDS!

Me:

Thankfully, the round was over, and it was now time to do…

The same thing… except with touch down 2,3… oh yeah, and we’ll throw in another shuffle step.

So… that happened.

I start to notice, that when I breathe in deep, there is a spot on my back that hurts… really bad. I basically end up sitting on the steps wondering what the hell I just did, and fairly convinced it’s Right Foot’s fault.

Remy comes out to check on me. Part of the reason that I wear really bright clothes to work out is 1) Remy can quickly notice when I’ve gone missing. 2) Remy can find me in whatever dark corner I’ve collapsed into.

Remy: You okay?

Me: Every time I take a deep breath… my back hurts **points** right there.

Remy: did you pull your *enter latin name*?

Me:…………… yes.

Remy: Donnie! C’mere! Watch her for a second, I’ll be right back.

So Donnie AND Marine Matt come up, and one thing that I really love about Jawbreaker is that I have yet to meet a mean, rude, discourteous person.

Even more than that, for as much as they torture, batter and work your ass into the ground, they also encourage, enlighten, and genuinely care for everyone there.

Remy comes back from the apothecary, with a vial of Magical Muscle Potion or something, and leaves me to Donnie and Matt. I yank up my shirt and I’m like “somebody just make it stop.”

Matt: Have you been drinking water?

Me: So. Much. WATER!

Matt: … Drink More.

Me: **sigh**

Matt: Where does it hurt? *poke poke*

Me: Riiiiight…… THERE!

Matt:…. you have…. a HUGE knot!

Donnie: You gotta make sure you stretch too.

Matt: See… this is how your muscles work….

And today, I learned how muscles work.

But, once the lesson was over, It didn’t hurt when I breathed anymore. Idk what the hell is in that stuff… but I want some! Icy Hot be damned!

I thanked the guys and I went to try to jump back in class. Remy was explaining the stations, and I heard about half of them. When in doubt… I always start with step ups, cuz… I can’t POSSIBLY screw that up.

No.. I actually did good lol. And I made it the full round. The next station was one of those new bags. It looks like someone took a really huge oversized duffel bag and stitched up the sides Frankenstein style and filled it to bursting with the ashes of the fallen or something. But it still has the handles, and that’s what it’s chained up by.

And so I got to know Hanging Sausage.

Hanging Sausage kinda moves around, so you can work on your jab and cross, but it’s also high enough that you can do some uppercuts. Today, Hanging Sausage was there to take my abuse. Remy helped me go from my 1,2 to step into an uppercut. All in all, I was proud of myself.

Next station was Awkward Tire.

Awkward Tire gets on my damn nerves. It has all the bounce of a trampoline with none of the fun. Like imagine how you felt at your first 6th grade boy-girl dance… and now picture you’re slightly bouncing.

This is supposed to help us get comfortable in our stance and movements, while making sure we keep our feet the proper length apart.

I never do well after Awkward Tire.

Remy tells me to take a break, and I’m just so frustrated with myself. And he can see it.

Hey! Everybody has gotta take breaks!  You’re doing really good. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. You’re making progress!

So I’m standing against a mountain of tires. I have sweat…. just EVERYWHERE. My gloves are slippery and wet from all the perspiration. And I’m so tired! I’m tired… of getting tired. I’m tired of hearing my pulse in my ears. I’m tired of…

And something weird happened. I got so… incredibly…

PISSED OFF!

For no damn reason!

I wasn’t mad at anybody. I wasn’t mad at anything. I was just… angry in general. And at that moment, everything stopped hurting.

I went back in the torture chamber, and I got in my stance. The next bag was another new one. Now this one… by far the cutest. It looks like all of my favorite 6ft tall punching bags… but 1/3 the SIZE!

Un Petit Baby Bag!

So today’s task on Baby Bag is to keep us moving. Hit and move… combo and move… don’t stop it from swinging, just follow the movements. I hit it once, and the sweat on my gloves left a wet spot on Baby Bag. That was my new target.

I was relaxed (psychotically so) I took my time, I planned out my shots, and before long the round was over. Next up was Bouncy Football. And I wasn’t sure if Bouncy Football realized it or not… but Bouncy Football was about to be my bitch.

I want you just doing jabs on this one…

ON IT!

After dispensing with Bouncy Football, I moved on to Dangly Pear.

I looked at Dangly Pear, and Dangly Pear was already covered with wet spots. It made me smile. I wasn’t the only one sweating. I probably wasn’t the only one tired. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one sore. But the important thing is… you leave it on the bags. You make’m feel your pain.

I love you, Dangly Pear… but you gon take these uppercuts today!

As I’m hitting my slow (but effective) uppercuts, I am reminded, by the drumroll beating to my left, that the speed bag is next.

The young man on it at this time (I haven’t officially met him yet) was obviously born in a ring, with little speed bags hanging over his crib from his mobile. He’s freakin’ insane on that thing.

I put my focus back on Dangly Pear until the bell rang.

Okay Speed Bag… It’s me and you.

Alright, on the Speed Bag… you wanna count your threes… *hit* *bounce bounce bounce* *hit* *bounce bounce bounce* 1,2,3, 1,2,3,

**sigh** oh great… I gotta count again.

Left Foot: What do you want us to do?

Me: NOT A GOD DAMN THING! keep yo ass where you’re at!

Ass: You call me?

So I start off, Really slow. It takes me a good minute because nothing in this gym is as simple as it seems. I can keep a rhythm just fine. However, the Speed Bag, doesn’t just bounce back and forth, it also rotates so sometimes, it does a little sidestep on me.

But after a while, I’m able to keep up a very short, very slow… steady rhythm.

First_Kid_1996_The_Pressure

and I couldn’t be prouder when the bell rang.

Me: **giggle** I like this one.

Remy: Jamie said you were gonna love it. A-yo JAIME! She likes the Speed Bag

Jamie: I TOLD YOU!

Me: you know me all too well, sir!

The next station was Inverted Bike.

I was initially happy when I saw Inverted Bike because it was the one thing… I could do… SITTING DOWN!

That little seat was like a beacon calling me.

It’s not until I sit in the seat, that I realize that I may have slipped into a contraption of Jigsaw Proportions

So… you sit in the seat, and in front of you are two handles, connected to pieces of a discarded erector set, and there’s a couple of knobs, and a big ass speedometer on top.

Body: Um… are we gonna die?

Me: ………. probably.

Ass: You call me?

The bell rings and I start hand pedaling. It’s not so bad, kinda like a jaunt in the park. I start wondering why I’ve never noticed this machine before, and I conclude it was probably my own self preservation. You know, like when you yell at people in horror movies not to go down that dark alley.

Remy: Uh-uh! You better get that needle moving!

Me: The needle MOVES?!

Remy: C’mon! WORK!

Me: You betta leave me alone, Remy.

I don’t know what made me say that. Speed Bag got me all cocky and woozy. Without missing a beat, Remy reaches over and spins one of the knobs and the resistance suddenly goes from Jaunt in the park to Mountain goat climbing Kilimanjaro!

Remy: Don’t you sass me in that tone of voice… now WORK!

So, me and Remy have a new dynamic to our working relationship…

Longest two minutes… EVAH!

I thought about sayin’ “Everybody has gotta take breaks!” but I felt like that time had passed.

Next station was Springy Clown.

You remember those lil inflatable clown toys, that had something in the bottom, so when you hit it it would slowly bounce back to you?

So now, imagine that the clown has anger management issues and a really tightly coiled spring.

… yeah. I learned about springs today.

Springy Clown dotted my eye on more than one occasion.

After a while, I got into a rhythm, and actually felt pretty good. I have no idea how I looked, but the important part was…

I stopped getting hit in the face.

Just like that, I was finished with stations.

Remy: We didn’t throw up today…

Me:… no we didn’t hahaha

Personal Best.

It was time for abs. I was almost done. We headed back out to the ring.

Donnie: You feelin’ better?

Me: Yeah, much better now.

Donnie: You always get back in there… you always tough it out. I respect that.

…. Thanks Donnie. That means a lot.

I literally roll into the ring, and it’s time for abs. We have to do … horrible things in the name of abs, and every time we have to do something, I always think to myself “I wish we could do Windshield Wipers… I can do those all day.”

Alright, guys… Windshield Wipers!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but…

I’m a liar.

My first rotation, and my hips (and company) IMMEDIATELY pop. It sounded like I rolled over on bubble wrap.

Me: Omg! Is everybody okay?

Body: I’m not sure, we’re getting reports in from several sectors.

Me: Ass?….. ASS?!

Bob:

But, I did it. And at the end of it all, I slid out of the ring, because I simply couldn’t do stairs.

I gathered all my things, and I left feeling good, and realizing that it was the end of my third week. I had literally left my sweat and tears all over this gym (I’m sure the blood comes later).

I keep hearing that the first three weeks are the hardest, and I am not disputing that at all. I also hear that if you can make it through those three weeks, you’re more likely to stick with it…

File Apr 08, 3 42 18 PM

I’ll see you Monday.

… I can do this.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with Remy – Day 7

Okay so…

Ya ever have your body do something without your consent… and even, without your knowledge?

… take a trip with me.

I got up and thought to myself

But I was going to the gym, so I was excited about that. I called Jamie, promptly at 11.

Jamie: Morning!

Me:.. uh… hi… good morning (it’s always so confusing when he’s awake)

Jamie: I am already ready! I’ve got all my stuff together, and you don’t even have to come and pick me up.

Me:… uh…

Jamie: I’m stopping by the store on the way… can I get you anything?

Me: yes… you can find me Jamie, and stop using his phone and pretending to be him!

Jamie: hahaha… see ya schahtly!

Me: GATORADE!

Jamie: gotcha

At this point, I’m convinced Jamie’s body is being used as host to an invading alien force…

But if they bring me Gatorade, they can have the planet.

#Priorities

So I get to the gym, and sure enough, Jamie is there with the brightest of eyes and the bushiest of tails and hands me the largest damn Gatorade I’ve ever seen.

Take the planet.

So we get inside the gym and it’s off to the torture chamber. We start warming up and I’m stretching because, despite having an entire weekend…

EVERYTHING HURTS!

Do me a favor. rest your left forearm on something. Table… chair… whatever. Open your hand, so your palm is facing right. Now, take a finger on your right hand (any finger) and start from the crease of your arm, and run it down to your wrist bone.

THAT… HURTS… on me! I don’t even know what that is! I didn’t even know I HAD one. But it HURTS.

So I’m stretching and Jamie is warming up, and he pulls out these monster gloves that apparently are 2lbs each, cuz he doesn’t GIVE a s**t about his brachioradialis!

…. hmph… you have fun with that.

Remy comes in, and he is excited about the Mort du Jour!

C’mon, lets goooo! Time to go to work!

Me and Jamie stand there looking at Remy and we both realize what that tone of voice means.

Me: oh lord.

Jamie: you know what, I think I’m gonna save the big gloves for another day

Me: good decision

So we all start putting our gloves on and we’re getting in our stances, a couple of taps on the bag, to get ready.

Alright everybody, grab some weights, meet me outside!

…. I know good and damn well, Remy just saw every last person in this class put their gloves on.

He’s just screwing with us now. **velcro**

We grab some weights, and I take a moment to order myself some 1lb weights on amazon. I’m gonna get them delivered to the gym and hide them in the back.

So I grab some 2lb’ers and head outside. It’s time for Shadow Boxing. Again, Remy has to remind me to relax. I tend to do too much when there’s not anything to hit. I’m so tense when it’s just me. So I try to work on my form, and my stance.

My right foot, is NOT on board with anything that we’re doing!

Me: hey, we’re all turned this way… you wanna come join us?…how about come be part of the family?

Right foot:

So… I kinda worked it out. Then we go back inside… and put our gloves on… and it’s time for Speed Bag.. with defense.

I’m doing it. I get tired, but I’m realizing that I have to stop less and less, or for shorter periods of times… which makes me proud. However, one of my problems is I automatically associate speed with power. So, a lot of times, I’ll hit the bag too hard for how fast I’m going, causing me to tire out faster.

Jamie: The bag’s doesn’t know how hard you’re hitting it. If you don’t exert enough force to kill a fly, the bag can’t tell. The bag’s only purpose, is to get hit. As long as you hit it, you’re doing good.

… Alien Jamie has a good point. So, I try to relax, and lightly tap, but keep my speed up. It helps greatly, and I make it through that.

Pushups!

**sigh**

Arms: We want a divorce

Me: I don’t blame you

Remy comes by and was like

uh…. you can do them on your knees

Like I’m some kind of crazy person!

pfft! yeah cuz THAT thought never occurred to me! No! I’m not doing girly pushups! Nobody else is doing girly pushups! How dare you!

So, I did girly pushups.

It was my own pride making me think like that. I wanted to do regular pushups because everyone else was doing regular pushups. But then I realized…

I WASN’T DOING REGULAR PUSHUPS!

I could barely crank out two shaky replicas of “regular” pushups, before I would just drop face first to the floor. So… I could either continue to do that, or I could do 10 (okay 7) “girly” pushups and actually accomplish something, and build up my muscles until I can do regular ones.

… moment of growth.

And now, it’s time to go outside. I’m not gonna lie, I am in no mood for Parking Lot’s shenanigans today. We get outside, and Remy wants us to do a shuffle step, into a squat. Oh yeah, it’s god awful.

I start off kinda strong, but it goes downhill really quickly. Before long, everybody is leaving me behind again, and I’m just, not up for this, but I keep going. Pretty soon, everybody is lapping me, and it becomes a “Let’s just make it to the sidewalk” kind of day.

I finally make it to the sidewalk and the parking lot is EMPTY. Everybody is gone, I’m bent over, hands on my knees not even wanting to move, but I’m determined to soldier on.

I stand up, and all of a sudden, I got a little lightheaded, and then everything got BRIGHT like the entire world chose the wrong instagram filter.

#Amaro

I blinked a couple of times, and I stumbled over to my favorite bush. I knew I wasn’t going to throw up, but my body was definitely like

As soon as I hit the sidewalk, a breeze hit me, and I thought to myself.

I want this to happen forever… This is what my life is about now… should my face be tingly?

And without my permission… my body laid down on the ground, under the tree, next to a bush, outside of Martin & Jones…

And I could’ve cared less….

I laid there and pondered if my days of defeating the Parking Lot were over. Had I really actually beat it? Was it all some glorious dream in the recesses of my mind?

Brain: No, you actually did it. And don’t worry, you’ll do it again. This is just a minor setback. Don’t give up. You can still do this, All you have to do is get up and…

Body:

Eventually, my brain won the argument, and I sat up. I made my way to my feet, and slowly (and in a serpentine pattern) made my way back to the building. The first person I see is Remy, looking mildly panicked.

Remy: Where did you go?!

Me: I was out there, got a little dizzy

Remy: I’ve been looking for you! Where were you?

Me: I was on the ground, under the tree.

Remy: Didn’t you hear me calling you? I went all the way down the parking lot yelling your name!

I heard NOTHING! So now, I’m like

Did I find an entrance to Narnia?

Remy brings me a bottle of water, and he’s asking me what I ate. As I’m drinking the water, I notice my hand is shaking. He tells me to have a seat and I say

Nah… always stay up… I wanna stay moving

He looks at me like I’m crazy, but I at least want to do that much. I pace around, drinking my water. Remy brings me a protein bar. I open it and…

the very aptly named Best Bar Ever … they sell them there, and I actually ended up buying a box. y’all for real, that Apple Pie is EVERYTHING (and quite possibly saved my life)!

I’m walking around and everyone comes out of the torture chamber to get into the ring, and Jamie sees me. He gives me “are you okay?” face. And I give him “I’ll survive.” smile and he gives me “Good girl!” nod.

Wait a minute…

I disappeared?

Everything got bright?

I don’t remember much of what happened?

Did the aliens get me too?

I finish up my bar and my water and I’m like… I’m not going out like this. Everybody’s in the ring, and Remy’s got the mitts.

I wanna hit something.

I get to the steps and Donnie comes over.

Donnie: you alright?

Me: yeah, better now.

Donnie: you getting back in there

Me: YUP!

Donnie: you tough as hell!

LOL… not really. But I appreciated it. I didn’t feel tough. I didn’t even feel worthy. I just wanted to finish. I at least want to finish.

So I climb in the ring, and Remy’s giving me that “You back for more?” look

And I watch everybody doing their lightning fast perfect combos, and I did my slow, awkward ones… BUT, I did it.. and I heard a few good pops in there every once in a while.

Then, Dave walks in.

Me: DAVE!

Dave: Hey, what’s up!

Me: I miss you!

Dave: hahaha!

Good ol Dave…

Next thing I know… Dave has grabbed a pair of mitts, and climbs his ass into the ring…

I DIDN’T MEAN NOW!

Alright, 1,2…

I no longer miss Dave.

We finish up with that, and it’s time for abs. Alien Sheenal is not amused. Remy wants us to give him 100 sit ups…

So, like… going from a laying position… to a sitting up one…

100 times.

Me: 1….2….

Body: I hate you.

Me: c’mon… we can do this… 3… 4…

Alien: What is she doing?

Body: Being a bitch

Alien: What means this word?

Body: Wait… who the hell are you?

Alien: uh… Bob…. I’m from out of town.

Me 20… 21…

Alien: How do we stop her?

Body: Idk… lets send down four droplets of pee

Alien: You humans are weird.

Me: 36… 37… Ugh, Quit it!

Body: AHHH! It hurts!

Alien: I don’t like this human. When we take over this planet, she will be the first I kill

Body: Or you can let her actually get to 100 and save yourself the trouble

Alien: Oh, snap! Good one!

As always, I’m the last one to finish… but, I did them all.

I finished.

I’m sure there will be hell to pay, because my body is having a union meeting, and a strike is imminent. But it’s okay, I’ll head back to the Mothership, get rejuvenated, and drag my ass back tomorrow because Alien Sheenal…

Can do this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, They Come Back – Day 6

Okay so…

I decided that my body can only handle going to the gym three times a week. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. But, I’ve gotten to the point that on days when I don’t go… I kinda wanna go, but then my body is like

And then… I sit down, until it’s time for me to go.

So, I was super pumped to get to the gym today. I pulled up to the parking spot, hands already wrapped, looking like a Neon Warrior. I’m strutting up to the building, ready to do battle!

Me: Oh look, Capone’s here! Hey, Capone!

Brain: ……… CAPONE’S HERE!

REMY IS BACK!

You ever quickly calculate the odds of being able to get back to your car without anyone seeing you?

Nah, I wouldn’t do that. Mostly because Remy peeked out and already saw me. So I walk inside, and he tells me how much he’s been enjoying my blog.

Oh great! He’s had a couple of days to see what other people have put me through, and formulate a plan of torture that transcends my worst nightmares.

So I scurried off into the torture room before he yelled at me to warm up.

I looked, but I didn’t see my usual lime green jump rope (I think Dave took it) so I just grabbed another one and started. This time, there was no complaints from my calves. I feel like they were saving it up

smart move, calves. Smart move.

So, everyone has different teaching styles, which is good.

Remy’s teaching style is by far the most technical. Again, for me this is good, because my form is all over the place. I have no instincts and I’m constantly talking to myself trying to remember all the things I’m supposed to do.

Boxing is hard because… see, the way my body is set up… I got a top half and a bottom half… and a left half and a right half… and the only time they ever band together…

is when they’re ganging up on me.

Boxing is my civil war. Boxing is attempting to unite all the states of my body. My south is constantly trying to secede.

So, I’m always a little self conscious about how I look.

My favorite spot in the torture chamber is in the back… on the left. Remy comes bouncing in… happy about all the torture… and he LOOKS for me.

Hey… c’mere… right here.

That’s right! Right at the front of the room… with the mirror… so he can see me from no matter where he is in the room.

shrewd, Remy… very shrewd.

So we start off with bag work. Since I’m the derpy noob, I get more than my fair share of Remy attention. But, honestly, this is good. I actually really appreciate it. Now, I mentioned that everyone has their own teaching styles.

Remy’s teaching style, is to tell me, how much I’m going to get hit… and all the things I’m doing… that will get me hit.

Alright, roll that shoulder, or BAM! somebody’s gonna pop dat ear!

Don’t go down so low on your defense or WHAP! somebody’s gonna hit you with the overhand!

Uh huh, keep on not bringing your hand back up to your face…

SCRAPEDYSLAP!

…. now you’re just making s**t up.

And he’s quiet and quick like a cat, so I will just be in my little zone, and all of a sudden I’ll hear “WHAP BAP BAP!” at the back of my neck.

So now I’m all

from post-traumatic Remy disorder and he comes up to me and goes

… Relax…

I CAN’T! Apparently I’m getting my ass kicked by invisible assassins!

But it was good. I appreciated the time he took to make sure I’m consistently doing things properly.

Okay! Partner Up!

Remy partners me with Sarah Arredondo. I use her full name because although Remy said her name normally, I heard it in Michael Buffer’s voice.

This lady is RIDICULOUS! I’m literally using the bag to keep me upright, and she’s doing power speedbag like this is NOT the longest two minutes EVER!

… Why do you do this to me, Remy?

But, just like everybody else, Sarah is extremely nice, and very helpful. She’s giving me tips while I’m doing it. Remy is still randomly attacking me like Cato from the Pink Panther. And then he decides that we need to do this thing that I will affectionately call

Death Cadence

This is where, we’re not just doing speedbag… not just doing power speedbag, we are doing selective power speedbag depending on what Remy calls out.

So to give you an example, if he were to say “Give me 3s!” you would do 2 regular speedbag hits, and a power hit on the 3rd one. But he didn’t stop there, he started throwing out multiple numbers! Now, when you do it right, it sounds FANTASTIC!

He is the band director… and we are his drumline. Well, they’re his drumline. I’m the random tuba player that got lost.

This, is where my union starts to break down.

This is my Gettysburg.

Many lives were lost.

At this point, there’s only one thing I can think.

Where is DAVE?!

I never thought exerting myself in the name of speed and power would take a backseat to me being able to COUNT!

1,2, th…DAMMIT!

1,2, THREE, 4… DAMMIT!

I don’t even KNOW what my feet are doing right now!

But Sarah was very encouraging, and she let me slow it down a little bit when I needed to. Sometimes I would only get it right once before the bell rang, but I kept trying so…

Remy is also very big on defense. Pretty much every round we do will have some element of defense to it. As part of that, one of the stations was…

Big Balloon.

Now I want you in real close! 1,2,… move your head! Defense! You might get hit in the face… and I’m okay with that!

But I wasn’t too worried… because I learned how to move my face… that’s day 3 stuff.

So…

Anybody remember HS Trigonometry? Remember how angles change everything?

For instance…

If you learn to hit something bouncy from far away, it will not always take the same path as it will when you hit that same object up close.

I learned how to calculate angles today.

Grab some weights!

I go to the rack o’ weights, and immediately find the tiny ones

2lbs?! Ain’t ya got any 1lb’ers somewhere in the back?!

… the answer was no. So I grabbed some 2lb weights cuz it was time for Shadow Boxing!

Apparently a lot of times, I make things harder on myself. Justin has been very nice about giving me tidbits during all our classes. He was kinda reserved when I first started there, but I learned earlier that a lot of people realize how hard boxing is and they don’t stick around so…

Justin’s been hurt before.

I’m not gonna quit you dude…

So anyway, he sees me apparently in a knock down, drag out with own shadow and he’s like

Don’t throw your arm out like that. Just, easy… fluid motion, don’t swing so hard. There’s nobody there. You’re fighting against yourself.

And I’m like Damn! Justin just dropped some existential knowledge on me.

I need to calm my ass down.

So I slow it down, I work on my stance. I work on turning my arm on my jab, I work on turning my hips for the cross. My arms are killing me, but it’s going much better and before I know it… the bell rings.

Remy wants us all outside, and as I make my way there, I see Donnie, and I’m like

Lunges! Let’s Go!

Okay… Here we go Parking Lot.

Lunge!

Body: So… we’ve been talking…

Me: Yeah?

Body: Well, I don’t know if you remember on Tuesday, we had a plan we wanted to discuss…

Lower Back: Show her the diagram!

Legs: Shh! lemme finish! Anyway, I know we planned on killing Dave, but in light of current events

Me: Guys, can we just get to the end of the Parking Lot?

Body: We just crossed out Dave’s name and wrote Remy!

Legs: Oh s**t! Here he comes! Act Natural!

Stomach: Act Natural? My time to shine! *earthquake*

Remy is chatting with me, trying to distract me from my pain. However, pain has been replaced by nausea, but I’m determined to get to that sidewalk. I get there, barely and now, I’m involuntarily gagging.

Don’t do this…

Remy says, “let’s walk back up the side here.”

Which is great, because there are trees on that side, so it’s shady and there’s a nice breeze that is helping, but I can’t stop gagging. It is at this moment that I realize that I need to learn how to spit. Like really spit. You know how guys do that cool HHAAAKKK PTOO!? yeah, I need to learn how to do that, but like, in a nice way… you know…

Well, Remy sees the beginning of my sad, amateur, rainbow trail spit, and just pushes me over towards a bush and goes “Gon let it out!”

Like Remy literally had me in the bushes like

and the slight jolt to my system threatened to push me over the edge.

Me: No… NO!

Stomach: C’mon, man! It’s right there!

Me: No! This is unbecoming of a lady!

I stand up, and I’ve got holly leaves in my hair, little berries in my sports bra… my stomach is still churning, but I slowly make my way back to the building. I have to stop off at another bush and a tree on my way, but I made it to the building with my dignity somewhat intact.

Everyone looks just… BEAT. Remy assesses the situation and in his infinite sadism goes

eh… gimme 300 crunches and you can go

Just 3… that’s all.

Me: you added one too many zeroes didn’t you?

Remy: I could add some commas

Me:

But, I said it real low…

Please believe, though… Remy’s getting a strongly worded letter.

So I went and grabbed a spot on the mat and started my crunches.

Stomach: Okay, I know you’re a little upset with me, but I don’t think this is a mature way to handle it.

Me: look, this is not my idea. Remy wants 300 crunches.

Stomach: 300?! what is this, Sparta?!

Me: hahaha … that was funny.

Stomach: hehehe thanks. Seriously though, 300 is a bit much.

Me: I tell you what… just gimme 20.

Stomach: okay, done.

Me: That was good! I barely felt that… can you do that again?

Stomach: Boom!

Me: Damn! we’ve already done 40! I bet you can’t do 20 more.

Stomach:….

Stomach: I know what you’re trying to do.

Me: Okay, please just… let’s just take them 20 at a time. We’re already almost 1/3 of the way done.

Stomach: Can’t we just lay here for a while, and after an appropriate amount of time passes, we just slip out?

Me: No…we can do this… everyone else is doing their 300, we’re gonna show that we belong here, we’re gonna finish ONE thing today in its entirety!

Stomach: You think somebody’s gonna snitch, don’t you

Me: Trust no one.

So it took me a long time. One by one, everybody in the class finished until I was the only one on the mat. There were times when I laid there looking at the ceiling, evaluating my life decisions, but I would just take a deep breath and start my next 20. Eventually…

298, 299, 300!

I did it. I did one thing in it’s entirety. I did one thing just as good as everybody else. I’m chalking today up as a win.

I am strong.

I am resilient.

I am NOT giving up.

I AM… The Neon Warrior! And…

File Apr 04, 5 33 49 PM

I can do this!

 

 

 

 

#$%@ You, Parking Lot! – Day 5

Today started off very different than yesterday.

I got up, ate my eggs, put my freshly laundered wraps in the dryer (delicate setting) and figured out what I was wearing. At 11 o’clock, I called Jamie

Jamie: *uncharacteristically awake* HELLO!

Me: um *confused, on account of the awake* Good Morning! Up and at’m, we’re doing this!

Jamie: yup! I’m up. Ya mind stopping by to get me?

Me: Not a problem, I’ll be there around 11:45

Jamie: See ya schahtly

I get ready, throw my work clothes in a bag and hop in the car.

Hype song of the day… Hungry – on repeat.

Focus on my own, Every day will test me

I had a really bad day yesterday. That’s not happening today. I can do this.

I pull up and scoop Jamie. He hands me a Gatorade (probably on account of the vomiting lol) and I wrap my hands while he finishes packing up his stuff.

There’s something beautiful about wrapping your hands. The art of it, the restraint of it, the calculation. It’s my favorite ritual. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel capable. I feel ready for battle.

Cuz that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to war. I felt like I lost yesterday’s battle, but today there’s no surrender.

I’m gonna carry this s**t on my f**king back!

We get to the gym, and I’m ready.

Jamie: Ya got any converse at home?

Me: Yeah.

Jamie: you should wear those, till you get some boxing shoes. Haven’t you seen what I come in here wearing sometimes?

Me: Yeah… but you’re weird.

Jamie: hahahaha!… but seriously, they’re flat, so it’ll make it easier.

Me: I actually think I might have some in the car.

I did, of course. And because it couldn’t be any other way, they weren’t any of the countless inconspicuous pairs of Chucks that I have. Naturally, they are the one pair of Neon, Hot Pink, Black Light Responsive, Chucks… cuz nothing says

I kill cuz I’m hungry

like pretty pink high tops!

Nevermind! I’m still a badass, and I’m doing this!

Hey, everybody!

… Dave.

You’re better than this

Nope! Don’t think like that. You’re getting a chance to be better than yesterday. You show Dave what you can do.

‘Sup Dave… let’s do this.

You know what’s first… Speedbag! Work!

And I worked. I was determined not to stop. If I have to take a step back, I stay in my stance, hands up, just like Dave told me.

Pushups! Let’s Go!

Arms: You’re not seriously thinking…

Me: Look, lemme do 2, then next time lemme do 3… deal?

Arms: **sigh**

Now, we gotta do 1,2 up and down the bag. I stay waist height, like Dave told me. I start pacing myself so I don’t burn out. I go down the bag, stand back, then go back up. I want to be able to last the whole time.

Dave: You gotta go back up, too.

Me: hahaha I know, I’m pacing myself

But, Immediately, I double up. 1,2 down and back up, THEN stand back. My arms already feel like they’re gonna fall off, but I gotta keep pushing through.

I ignore the pain, cuz the pain will never stop

I can do this!

Give me 1,2,3, 2,3,2!

Did Dave just give me his social security number? Do WHAT now?

I’m supposed to be hitting something!

Dave sees my confusion and comes over. He slows it down a little bit and it makes a lot more sense now.

Dave: Lemme see it…

Me 1,2,3…2,3,2

Dave: Again

Me: 1,2,3 2,3,2

Dave: Good! Work!

Wait… did I just do a combo?!

HA!

I’m starting to notice a trend.

Whenever I have a horrendous day at the gym, my next day tends to have a personal triumph.

I’m killin’ this bag right now, and it decides to start moving. I’m missing all my 3’s. So I move to another bag. The bottom’s inside a tire. It’s not going ANYWHERE. That’s right… take these shots!

Fighting ’til I’m dead, I eat ’til I’m fed

Okay! 2,3,2, 1,2,3!

And then I’ll do it all again…

In my brain, it’s obvious that Dave wants us to do what we were doing… in reverse. My body however is all jacked up on endorphins and Gatorade (and a general sense of pride), so I’m pretty much just throwing numbers out there willy nilly. I’m sure one of them was the correct combination.

Doesn’t matter! I’m doing combinations now!

Alright, Powerbag!

Power, Dave? You want Power?! I’ll give you Power!

For precisely forty seconds. Then, I gotta do some lamaze breathing.

Alright, everybody meet me outside! Gloves off!

Parking Lot…

I stand, with both arms, folded, under my chest
‘Cause I know, I won’t stop, ’til I’m the last one left

Alright, get your head right. Moment of truth. I’m the last one outside. Everybody’s already in place.

Me: What are we doing, Dave?

Dave: Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump

The same exercise from the first day I met Parking Lot. The one I couldn’t do. Remy told me to do half lunges, and I couldn’t even make it halfway down.

Poetic.

You got this.

Thanks, Dave.

Okay, here we go. Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump! Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

Ya know what sucks about this? You do a lot of work, but you don’t cover very much ground. The parking lot doesn’t get any smaller… but I digress.

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

You got this!

I really like Dave.

Everyone’s past me, but it’s okay. Every one I do is a step closer to my goal. Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump! Ugggh!

You’re better than this

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

You’re bigger than this

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

God, everyone’s already down the other side. Please don’t let Dave come and get me. I can do this. I have to do this. I got more than halfway.

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

I’m bigger than this

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

I can hear him coming. DAMMIT. I’m being lapped. Everybody is working their way back down the parking lot.

You got this… you can do this. Make it to the sidewalk, then meet us back at the building, yeah?

Fine. I’m all by myself, but I’m gonna finish this. I’m bigger than this!

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

I’m better than this!

I’m better than this!

I’m Better Than This!

I’M BIGGER THAN THIS!

Lunge, Lunge, Squat, Jump!

**sidewalk**

……………

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

F**K YOU PARKING LOT!

Not even joking… I yelled this at the top of my lungs.

Then I IMMEDIATELY felt like I was gonna pass out. I giggled… like a madman towards a corner I picked out to crouch and die. I slid down to what would be my final squat.

NO!

Gotta Stand up!

Raise your arms!

Breathe! In through your nose, out through your mouth!

Everyone was there. The whole class. Maybe they thought my scream was the death throes… who knows.  I was too tired to do anything but follow instructions. All I know is I’m holding onto a light pole for dear life, my legs are shaking, everything hurts, but I… WON!

Dave comes over and it was like some sad old gunslinger movie.

I beat it, Dave. I beat the Parking Lot…

Dave has a smile of pride (and mild concern) on his face. Everyone continued working and Dave says

Dave: Can you give me jabs going back up? After you catch your breath?

Me: Yup. (I can’t tell yet if I’m lying)

Dave: You want some cold water?

Dave comes back with a bottle of water and it may have just been me, but he looked like he was running in slow motion. The bottle of water was all foggy and glistening in the sun.

Pour some on the back of your neck first.

Don’t drink too much of it.

WHOO! Let’s do this!

Jabs up the parking lot!

… NOT as easy as my brain had led me to believe. But, I kept getting shouts of encouragement whenever I lagged a little behind. I was halfway back and I was starting to hit the wall. At the halfway mark, Dave switched me to 1,2

…and I had just started liking Dave again…

But the guys wouldn’t let me give up, and before I knew it, I had reached the last parking spot!

I stepped into the shade and in a slow progression, like a sinking ship, I found myself on my back on the cool concrete. I only did half as much as the rest of the class, but I went all the way down and back up the parking lot… Personal Best!

I had earned my right, to lay there and die.

But, like always, when I feel I can’t go on, someone… somewhere, knows the perfect thing to say.

You know, a year ago, Jamie was right where you are. Don’t let’m fool you. He used to lay in that same spot on the ground after the Parking Lot.

I totally needed to hear that. I got up and went inside. Dave SAW me heading for the closest chair and shut me down IMMEDIATELY.

Keep walking around. Keep moving, keep breathing… I don’t want you sitting.

So I did a couple of laps around the gym, and before I knew it, it was time for abs. Everyone got in the ring. Me? I crawled into the ring.

I beat the Parking Lot… ain’t no shame in my game

We had to do bicycles and throw ups. Yes, it’s every bit as horrible as you think.

Okay! Flip over and into planks! I’m not starting the timer until everyone’s up!

… we might have to kill Dave.

Dave: Left Plank!

Body: We get what you’re trying to do here… uh but…

Me: Just ten more seconds!

Dave: Right Plank!

Body: Did we hear you mention something about murdering…

Me: We’re almost done!

Dave: Back into plank!

Body: We came up with a plan if you just hear us out…

Then Dave called for the Evil Plank… and my body went into full on panic.

Body: Um…

Me: Oh guys, don’t worry!

… we’re not gonna do that.

Time! Good Job Everybody!

I collapsed. And I just laid there.

But I did it. I rolled over and I crawled back out of the ring, I scooted my way down the stairs like I did when I was a kid. I limped into the other room and I spotted my gloves. They were on the floor, in a pile of other gloves. They were right there with the big boys…

and so was I.

Today, I felt like I belonged there. I felt like I earned my spot. And more than any other day, I really, truly felt like

File Mar 30, 3 17 18 AM

I can do this

 

All Guts… No Glory – Day 4

Okay so…

You know how sometimes you can tell that a day… is just not gonna go the way you think, not gonna go the way you’d like…and not even gonna go the way it should.

Like from the very beginning, your day just starts sliding off the cliff and all you can do is see where it lands.

I was actually in a bad mood to start the day off. But, I figure this is gonna make for a good workout.

I get in the car, and I start it, trying to figure which hype song to listen to when I happen to glance over to my leg.

Now, for those of you who don’t know me,

I… do not… like… SPIDERS.

AT ALL.

So, I look down at my leg and, apparently I had walked through a low hanging web, and the occupant of said web was diligently trying to rebuild his home by attaching my leg to the door of my car.

I am now, ensconced, in close quarters, in the driver’s seat of a VW Beetle, with Arachnus Deathicus, and inside my body, I’m like

However, on the outside, all I can do is

Because the only thing worse than seeing a spider close to you… is losing a spider that was once close to you. So, I harness all my focus and

Dead Spider.

So, to recap. I’ve been tired, angry, scared… and now, late. I’m rushing to get to the gym and EVERYONE is in my way.

Now we’re back to angry.

I get to the gym and I hastily (but beautifully) wrap my hands and get my gloves on. I’m excited because KStones and Joey Darling have joined us! (Look at me inspiring the prodigals!)

KStones is super pumped

Dave is teaching the class today, you’re gonna love him, he’s gonna try to kill us!

Now, one of those statements is not like the other. One of those statements just doesn’t belong. But, it doesn’t matter, cuz it’s been a whole weekend between me and hitting things. So I’m like

Dave comes in and immediately I feel a kinship, for he too, busted out the Neon Lime Green and we are totally twinsies!

He greets everyone, and he gets to me (the one person he’s never seen before) and introduces himself.

Dave: Hey there, I’m Dave.

Me: Nice to meet you… Sheenal

Dave: … Sheenal… wait… the writer? with the blog?

Me: hahaha yeah.

Dave: aww man, I’m gonna have to work… so you don’t write bad stuff about me.

Me: hahahaha naaah. I can’t do that, we’re twins!

I like Dave.

Okay! Speedbag! Work!

Bell rings, and I’m gettin’ it in! It wasn’t the speediest speedbag, but I kept going, stopped only once, and made it the whole two minutes!

OKAY! 10 Pushups!

I look around to make sure everybody heard what I heard, and sure enough, everybody is down on the ground.

So, we’re gonna… okay yeah, we’re all gonna just do the push… gloves and all? Okay, yeah apparently gloves and all. No problem. I’ve done pushups before. I feel like 10 is a bit excessive, but… sure. ONE!

Arms: Um, are you crazy?

Me: Shh! It’s cool, we’ve done pushups before, we only need ten. TWO!

Arms: Yeah, lemme talk to you for a second.

Okay, that didn’t go as planned, but it’s cool. I tried.

Okay! Give me 1,2 up and down the bag!

Bell rings, I’m goin’ IN! 1,2 1,2 1,2 all the way down!

Dave: Only go down to waist height. When you start sparring, our guys will appreciate that.

Me: *realizing I’ve been punching the bag in the nuts* HAHAHAHA! Okay!

I like Dave.

Okay, 10 pushups! Lets work!

I don’t like Dave anymore.

I’ve already been given a firm talking to, so now, I’ve gotta try to hurry up and get in as many pushups as I can before my body realizes what I’m doing.

Me: ONE! TWO!

Arms: We discussed this. I thought we had an agreement.

Me: THR…

Arms: Oh you done lost yo damn mind, shut it down!

Me: Wait!

Arms: NOPE!

The word “nope” actually (and involuntarily) came out of my mouth, and I landed in what I HOPE looked like child’s pose. (I feel like it didn’t) and I stayed there, until the bell rang.

I popped up, (well, “popped” isn’t exactly accurate) and Dave started explaining the circuit he wanted us to do on the bags. And, I’m trying to pay attention to what he’s saying, but it’s all coming out muffled, like he’s talking underwater.

As far as I can tell, I violated some sort of treaty, with that stunt I pulled with the pushups. So, my body decided to go all ThunderDome on me, and it was time for me to pay.

Me: Okay… I know you’re upset, but can we go and talk about this in private?

Body: Sure… After you…

I calmly make my way to the ladies room, and the minute my glove makes contact with the door…

This is not a drill!

I threw up SO… HARD.

I don’t know how long I was in there, but I missed the WHOLE parking lot portion. I’m on the floor, one glove on, one glove off, and all I can taste is sorrow and regret.

I get myself together as best as I can. My stomach hurts, my throat burns, and I can’t tell if I’m sweating or crying. I stick my face IN the sink, and just turn on the water.

I make my way out, and Dave finds me immediately.

Dave: You okay?

Me: … I threw up… twice.

Dave: ALRIGHT! You’re a boxer! Man, I used to throw up two, three times every time I came here!

Everyone had the same reaction! I was giving out high fives for what had to be the strangest rite of passage EVER!

But… I was part of the gang

And it was time for the gang to get back to work.

Next station was a giant tire and a sledgehammer. Nope… not even joking. A giant tire….. and a sledgehammer. You have to grab the sledgehammer, and swing it overhand, and hit the tire. Then, you switch hands… and do it again.

For two minutes.

Joey: I’m not doing that

Body: Wait… we can say that?!

Me: I’m… not sure… stand by

Turns out Joey had a shoulder injury and so swinging a sledgehammer might not be the best idea for him at this point in time.

Lucky injured bastard.

I decided to start with that station. I like my death swift and immediate… So I grabbed that sledgehammer and went to work!

I was doing okay. I made it through two minutes.

The next station was Step Ups. To my dismay, Channing Tatum did not want to help me with my Senior piece. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Every time I would step up, I could see over the ring, and the first thing that caught my eye was the big banner in the window

“All Guts. No Glory.”

I couldn’t help but think about how I had left all my guts in the bathroom earlier, and I laughed to myself.

That’s for damn sure

And, before I knew it, my two minutes were up. It was on to the next.

The Slip Rope.

For those that don’t know, the slip rope is… a rope… that gets stretched out diagonally across the ring. It helps with your footwork and ducking and keeping a rhythm. Dave helped me out with it. I had to go kinda slow to get comfortable with the rhythm of it and making sure I get completely under the rope each time. So I had a round of 1,2 whilst ducking going up and down the rope.

Sheenal, ya doin okay?

yep.

After that, I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to do at the next station. I got out of the ring and walked down the stairs, and my body said “Oh you liked that banner, did ya?”

So I ran to the bathroom and … kinda threw up. I say kinda, because there was really nothing left in there, so I just feng shui’d my internal organs until I got tired. I came out and I was WIPED OUT. Dave could tell. I stood in front of Dangly Pear and just leaned forward against it. And Dangly Pear let me.

Me: … my stomach hurts.

Dave: can you give me a few uppercuts?

Me: I never officially learned how to do uppercuts

Dave: We’re gonna teach you uppercuts. C’mon.

I like Dave.

He got the rest of the group started on abs, and he taught me how to do uppercuts on both sides, while my body recovered. It made me laugh, cuz I looked like Guile from Street Fighter.

C’mon, lets do the last half of abs, and then we’re done. Ya with me?

I’m with ya, Buddy!

Good Ol’ Dave!

We got in the ring with everybody and it was time for PLANKS!

Everyone in the world hates planks. It’s one of the few things that unites us all as a species. No matter your background, religion, race, sexual orientation, political party, we can all agree that planks… are just the a$$#oles of exercise.

Brace yourself.

There’s something worse.

So we’re in a plank, and I hear Dave say something, but I can’t hear it over the screaming inside my stomach. But apparently… what he wants us to do is, while we are IN THE MIDST of the plank, he wants us to MOVE our left arm from underneath us, REACH OUT, and hit the mat, and then MOVE our right arm from underneath us, REACH OUT, and hit the mat.

Please go back and read that again.

Body: Hold on… Do WHAT, now?

Me: He want’s us to hit the mat

Body: WITH WHAT?!

Me: Our hands.

Body: The ones attached to our arms?

Me: Those are the only ones we got.

Body: The arms being… the only thing holding us up right now?

Me: Let’s not get tied up in the science. Other people are doing it, let’s give it a shot. C’mon, just toss the left one out there.

*BANG*

Body: ABORT! ABORT MISSION! The hull’s been compromised! **alarm**

Dave: Good Job Everybody!

Shut up, Dave.

But seriously though, today was my roughest day so far. I generally feel like crap, I’m more than disappointed in myself and I’m oddly enough REALLY FREAKIN HUNGRY! When I get ready to leave, a couple people ask if I’m coming back tomorrow.

Of course I am.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be stronger.

I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll last longer.

I’m hoping

Jawbreakerdave

I can do this

Personal Best – Day 3

*beep beep beep beep*

UGGGGH!

Me: Okay… role call, time to sound off! Who’s on deck?

Body: **crickets**

Me: C’mon guys… it’s gym time!

Body: ….. We’re not going

Thank God for my system override.

So I get up, I start to get dressed, and there are protests all over my body. We’re not talking about peaceful pickets either!

Full on Fight The Power / The revolution will be televised kinda anger.

But, I keep hearing that the key is consistency. I can have my moments where I get tired or hurt, but the important thing is that I keep going in, keep pushing… keep trying.

I’ll be damned if I’m gonna suffer alone, though. So I text Jamie and tell him to get his ass in gear!

File Mar 24, 2 53 12 PM

And then… I call him, cuz I’m not playin’ around.

We make it to the gym around the same time and as we go in, I hear probably the best phrase I’ve heard all week!

“Nah, Remy’s not here today.”

I’m very careful not to show that I heard it… which was hard, because the last time I was that happy was movie day in HS Chemistry!

I am excited about life! I’m wrapping my hands (which I’m really good at now) with this delightful outlook about Thursday.

Jamie: Nice job on the wrap!

Me: RIGHT?!

Jamie: … Is Remy not here?

Me: … no….. no he’s not….

Jamie laughs, but… not the kind of laugh I’ve come to enjoy from him. This was an “I know something you don’t know” laugh.

I don’t enjoy that laugh.

“I used to think that. Used to think it would be easier. It’s not. It’s gonna be so much harder today.”

The words are BARELY out of his mouth, when this guy walks in. He looks very… Marine-esque. I see him counting heads.

….

I’m not ready for this.

For those of you that don’t know this… there’s all kinds of equipment in the torture chamber. Every kind of bag you can imagine!

Big Bags!

Small Bags!

Bags that smack your face!

I like the big bags. Primarily because they let me hit them, they do not move, and most importantly, they do not smack me in the face. I’ve only ever used the big bags.

However, the plan for today, is that we each have a station. You work on your station until the round is over, then you rotate to the next one. I already do not like this plan. Then Marine Matt walks over to me.

“you come with me… your station is down here”

he must’ve heard about me.

He starts explaining the stations. I know 1,2 … and a substandard 3. Meanwhile, he’s sprouted a good 6 more arms and there’s elbows and things flying all around. I’m trying to follow but… I’m gonna need some help.

He gets around to me. My station…the station he put me on… is the freestyle station.

My favorite style!

The bell rings, and I start. I know I won’t be nearly as good as anyone there, so my only goal is to try to make it through as many of these bags as I can without getting tired and stopping. So, I pace myself, and I make it through the round!

ROTATE!

Next bag, looks like a champagne cork (memo to me… buy wine) All fat at the top and skinny at the bottom. I’m so excited that I made it through my freestyle round that I completely forgot what I’m supposed to do with this one. So I ask Matt (who I found out actually IS a Marine).

Me: I only know 1,2… (I can’t even 3 right now)

Matt: Okay, so you’re gonna do your 1,2 but make the bag move. When it does, move around it. 1,2, move! 1,2, move! All the way around.

Me: … alrighty.

I start. It’s not very fast, but I feel like it looks pretty good. I’m sticking and moving, being sure not to cross my feet, the bag is starting to swing. Then, wouldn’t you know it… the lil bastard started duckin’ my shots! I’m literally chasing around an inanimate object, trying to hit it!

ROTATE!

DAMMIT! Next time, wine cork… next time.

Okay, next one is a big balloon suspended in mid air. Matt tells me to stand back a little from it, hit my jab, then move my head. At this point I’m pumped. This is my 3rd bag in a row… I’m wrecking this! I stand back, I get in my stance and I throw a hard jab…

Now…

every bag I’ve encountered up to this point seemed to be filled with little pellets of cement, or the bones of the defeated or something. They’re all very heavy, it takes a lot to actually move them.

Big Balloon however… is filled with NOTHINGNESS… and it has two friends… that are rubber bands.

Today, I learned how to move my head.

ROTATE!

Next bag is Big Balloon’s lil brother – Bouncy Football.

Bouncy football combines the dodging prowess of Wine Cork, with the face smacking power of Big Balloon. At this point, Matt says

“You’re gonna wanna get in closer to this one… and hit it a little faster…”

But surely, this will increase the face smacking quotient…

So I didn’t quite make it through Bouncy Football without having to stop. But I was still feeling pretty okay about my progress so far.

ROTATE!

Here’s the bag I like. It’s huge and its there and it’s all “you shall not pass!” On this one, I do my 1,2 up high, then come back in and do it down low.

Don’t let Lil Jon and Flo Rida pull the wool over your eyes. There is nothing fun about getting low. Windows, Walls and Apple Bottom Jeans be damned!

But, I did my best.

ROTATE!

Next bag… is Blood Teardrop. It a hard, red, tear shaped bag, hanging from a thick chain,  whose only purpose…

is to fly at your head!

In case you are being slack about moving your face out of the way.

Today… I learned how to move my face… out of the way.

ROTATE!

Last bag, is Dangly Pear. It’s a HEAVY pear shaped bag that dangles, very low,  from a chain.

This is for the uppercuts. I don’t know uppercuts.

… I learned uppercuts.

Two uppercuts, then dip underneath to the other side. Aaaaand repeat.

Not gonna lie, there were a few times I dipped underneath… and stayed there.

But… the bell rang. I made it through the first part, and I did better than yesterday.

Gloves off, everybody outside!

But first off to the bathroom to possibly throw up… false alarm.

I come out, everyone has weights.

But Matt says “You can go ahead outside, I wanna work on your technique before I add any weight to it.”

Marine Matt, My Man!

I step outside. There’s no cupcake cart. It’s just me and my old nemesis…

Parking Lot

We meet again.

On this day, we have to jab down the parking lot, and then 1,2, our way back up. Matt checks on me every now and then, tweaking my form. I ignore the fact that everyone is passing me. I just focus on keeping my form right. Legs shoulder length apart. Elbows tucked in. Step and Jab. Slowly but surely, I make my way down the parking lot. I turn around, and I’m bringing up the rear again, but it’s okay.

Step, 1,2,

Step, 1,2,

I can do this.

1/4 of the way back, I start to hit the wall. I’m trying but my arms don’t want to go. My form is way off. I’m taking too many steps.

Dammit! Don’t make him have to come and get you.

Step, 1,2,

Step… 1… UGGGGH!

I can hear the footsteps approaching

Matt: You alright?

Me:… yep (I really need to stop saying that)

Matt: … Ya sure?

He asks me what’s wrong and fortunately, I’m able to communicate the precise problem I’m having in one of the most articulate and insightful statements I’ve ever made

Everything… hurts.

*full body wave*……… everything.

He chuckles slightly, and I have no choice but to do the same.

You wanna walk it off?

C’mon, let’s walk it off.

We walk back towards the group and I feel a little disappointed in myself, but then I realize something as Jamie comes up to me.

Jamie: I think I got really close to passing out  just now, but I didn’t!

Me: Well, I made it halfway back up the parking lot before Matt had to come and get me… Personal Best!

Jamie: Hell Yeah!

I walked in, truly feeling like I had nothing left to give. I sat down in the chair, I took my gloves off, and I just sat there limp. From over in the corner I hear Heidi’s voice.

Take a rest, get some water, do what you gotta do…

“but keep going”… was silently implied.

She was right, so I sat there for a few more seconds. I got up, I got some water, went to the bathroom to possibly throw up… (false alarm)

And I did my last little bit of class which was abs. It’s sad when you look forward to abs… but there it is.

After class, I felt great and horrible all at the same time. The last two days, I would sit down and unwrap my hands, I’d put everything into my little bag, I’d say goodbye to everyone and slowly limp to my car.

Today, I grabbed my bag by ONE string. I picked up ONE glove, relying on the velcro to snag the other one. I didn’t put anything away… I didn’t even unwrap my hands.

File Mar 24, 1 53 58 PM

My only goal was to get to my car in one piece… which, incidentally, was halfway down the parking lot.

You win again, Parking Lot. You win again.

All in all, I finished the week strong. Day 3 was a success. I’m gonna need a couple of days to recover, but I’ll see you beautiful people on Monday, because I’ve got goals to reach, and despite the pain I’m feeling now, I’m convinced…

Jawbreakermatt

I can do this