Sexy Things

So… a year ago, I found this article:


And I mentioned that I should probably write a post about things I find sexy, because people are always amazed by the things I find sexy, because it rarely has anything to do with actual sex, and physical things.

Pick Up Artist

If you wanna guarantee that my stomach does a little flip… pick me up. This is a tricky one for me sometimes, cuz I’m not exactly a tiny thing, so you generally have to possess some strength to get me off the ground. Now, that being said, there are of course levels to the sexiness of it based on the style of pickup.

“over the threshold”,”damsel in distress” pickup.

I know a lot of girls like this traditional style. But, it’s actually not my favorite. I mean, it’s cool, don’t get me wrong, but it always makes me feel like I twisted my ankle or something.

“under the arm” pickup.

This one is slightly better. It has a playful quality to it, but makes me feel like I’m a dancer that just messed up the big lift.

“over the shoulder toss” pickup.

… NOW we’re getting somewhere! Yes… I like my men to have a lil caveman in’m! This pickup is abrupt so always elicits a squeal from the recipient, and I, for one, like to be caught off guard. It also almost ALWAYS comes with an ass slap finisher… and I’m kinda into that.

and finally…


**sigh**… let’s all pause for a moment of silence.

This is by far top of my lift list. If, as a man, you walk up to me, look me dead in the eye, drop slightly so you can grab the back of my thighs and lift me up…


If you are in front of me and you’re hugging me and you slide your hands down to just beneath my ass and you pick me up and wrap my legs around you… you might as well gon’ and lick both of my X chromosomes… cuz I’m thinking of licking something of yours.


Chivalry things

I love chivalry. Always have, and always will. And while I will always admire and appreciate the acts, there’s something ridiculously sexy about a man who is inherently chivalrous. If it comes natural to you to open a door, give up your seat, I automatically see you in a different light. If you give me your arm while we’re walking (especially if I’m in heels) or say “lemme walk you to your car” when I leave…



Be Handy

Okay… so this is a two-parter. No offense to my computer guys… you can be sexy too. However, a man that can, and does, work with his hands… well he can grind my gears anytime. I love guys who build things, fix things, screw things…. drill things…

I might have gotten off topic, but you know what I mean.

Now, the other half of that… I like a man who’s also handy. If you handle something for me, especially something I’m dreading… mmmyessss.

Sexy statements include:

  • “I’ll take care of it.”
  • “I’ll handle it.”
  • “I got you.”
  • “You don’t need to worry about that.”

If something is clearly stressing me out, and you’re gonna do what you can to take some of that stress off of me… you’re a sexy beast.


Short Sleeves & Work Gloves

Don’t laugh. I’m dead serious. I’ve done extensive research on this. Something happens inside my body when I see a guy in a t-shirt wearing work gloves. You honestly don’t even have to be WORKING on anything… just walk past… and I’m like “who dat?” I’ve noticed that while a guy in a tank w/gloves is attractive, its not nearly as sexy as the tee/glove combo. I think I might have worked out why.

The combination of the t-shirt and the work glove make the perfect framework for bicep-to-forearm line of sight. It automatically enhances the size and shape of the bicep, while also accentuating the forearms. With the tank, you start getting into shoulder/chest area and it can detract from the sweet spot unless you’re actually Built Ford Tough.


Guys That Can Dance

YES! Just… YES! I don’t even care what style of dance you do. If you can control your body to the rhythm of music… than you can control it to the rhythm of mine… that’s just where my mind goes. It also takes a lot of confidence to dance in front of other people. Confidence is hella sexy. Extra points to guys that do well with partner dances. If you can lead, it’s very likely I’ll follow.



I LOVE a guy that can make me laugh. I mean really laugh. Like, that laugh where you just can’t get yourself together. That laugh where you’re almost embarrassing yourself because it’s so loud and grating and there’s probably a snort or two thrown in. The kind of laugh that just keeps bubbling up even when you think it’s over. The kind of laugh you can’t keep quiet. And when you look over, he’s just smirking at you… looking pleased with himself.

On the flip side of that, I think it’s sexy when a guy is comfortable enough with himself to allow himself to laugh like that around you. Every person has that laugh that they let out when something really tickles them. A guy that lets that out, in all its glory… well, at that moment, he’s sexy.


Notice & Remember

This is another big one for me. I think its incredibly attractive when a guy notices things about me. Now, yes, I think it’s great when a guy notices when I’ve done something with my hair, or if I have on new shoes. But what’s really sexy, is when a guy notices my little quirks and idiosyncrasies. The things I didn’t think anyone but me knew I did.

“What’s wrong? you only _____ when something’s bothering you.”

Showing that you pay attention to more than what’s on the surface is incredibly arousing. I love when a guy can read my facial expressions. It’s a turn-on to be able to have a conversation without speaking. Especially across a room.

It’s sexy when he remembers things about me. It could be the smallest thing. In fact, the smaller the better, in this case. Remember the things I like, and the way I like them and I’m gonna like you.


Do What You’re Good At

Okay… I admit it. I am a complete and total Talent Whore. I think there are very few times where a man is sexier, than when he is doing something he is really good at. You play an instrument well? You’re automatically 75% sexier while doing it than at any other time. You love to draw? Lemme watch you sketch. Guarantee you I’ll have some feels!

It doesn’t really matter what the talent is. When we enjoy something, and we feel like we’re good at it, that’s when the rest of the world gets a glimpse of the full extent of how passionate we can be. And passion… in all its forms… is a turn-on for me.



Yes… we all know intelligence is sexy. It’s hot to have smarts. But, even more than that, I love guys that think. No, I don’t believe those are mutually exclusive. You can know how to do things, you can learn a wide variety of subjects. But life doesn’t fit into square books and neat little boxes. I love a guy that can think his way through things. All too often, life does not do what you plan, expect, or even what it’s supposed to. It’s sexy to watch someone figure his way through a problem, from the simplest repair, to the biggest existential crisis, with nothing but the determination that he’s gonna break through it no matter what it takes.




A smoothly executed wink never fails to mess me up. I’m always looking around, always watching my surroundings. But if a guy catches my eye from across the room and just does a quick, concise wink with a half smile, I automatically let out one of those little breathy giggles… whether I want to or not.



Anybody can drive fast… it’s that pedal on the right. What I love is a GOOD driver. I love a man who knows how to er… handle his machine😉 . Even better if he knows what to do with curves…



I’ve seen a lot of things in my lifetime. I’ve got great instincts (although sadly, when it comes to things concerning me, I constantly second guess them) and have gotten really good at reading people… so honestly, the sexiest thing a man can do… is take me by surprise.

Class Clown – Day 11

Okay so…

Yesterday was a major setback. But, that meant I was looking forward to today, because whenever I have a bad day, my next day is usually great.

Today was no exception.

We had a couple of new faces in class.

Dave walked in, but to his dismay, some of the bags were not that sturdy… seems like some of the bolts were loosening.

oh nooooo….. who could’ve done such a thing?

Just kidding. Sabotage is far too much work. That kind of thing just happens over time.

So he decided he wants to make the torture chamber safe for us (imagine that)  before we do any bag work.

Alright, let’s start in the other room, grab some weights!

So we all head to the other room and grab some weights (Memo to me: check tracking on the 1lb weights)

Alright! All 1,2! Keep your feet moving!

It’s taken me 4 weeks, but I’ve finally learned how to pace myself. If I’m going to last two minutes, I’ve realized I can’t go full out from the start just yet. I still get tired, but I’m lasting longer and actually able to get right back to it in most cases. I’m actually pretty proud of my progress so far.

**BUZZ** Thirty seconds! Let’s pick it UP!

… shut up Dave.

But, I made it through the round. My arms are on fire, and my legs… well, they’ve sent me a written warning.

Next Round! I want all jabs! All jabs!

Me: uh…

Left Arm:

Me: Well I have to! Suck it up… it’s just 2 mins… *jab….jab…*

Left Arm: I got yo 2 mins…

Dave: Keep Going! I’ll be right back!

Left Arm: Okay… he’s gone. We can stop.

Me: No!… that would be cheating!

Left Arm:



everybody laughed.

Dave is gonna kill me.

… worth it.

So Dave fixed the torture chamber for us, and now we can do bag work. We’re all working on the left side of the rack, so we’re in close quarters. No hiding today.

Alright, I want 1,2,3, slip, slip, roll, 2,3,2! Let’s Work!

Me: **sigh**


Me: 1,2,3, slip, slip, roll, 2,3,2.


Brain: Wait….

Body: WHAT?!

Me: Did I just do that right? The FIRST time?? AT NORMAL SPEED?!?!

Holy… Who would’ve thought?!  While I’m feeling all proud of myself, I look to my left, and I see an expression that I knew all too well. Trish had the same expression I had just last week when Dave would throw out a bunch of numbers at me.

“Hey… its okay to slow it down. 1….2….3…. slip…. slip… rooooooll….. 2….3….2…. the speed will come when you’re comfortable.”

Brain: Did you… just give ADVICE to someone?!


I honestly thought that day was months, if not a year down the line, but like everyone keeps telling me, we all start somewhere, and everyone goes through the same things. I understood the feeling of your mind understanding and your body just being hostile and uncooperative.

A lot of time, it still happens to me, but every now and then (when I can shut off my brain) they work together. And I realized that, at that moment, for the 2 seconds it took to do that combination, I was the one that made something look easy! Which meant…

I was getting better!

It really snuck up on me.

We did some more combinations, a lot more bag work, and I got tired, but all in all, I was hanging in there a lot better than usual. Dave has us doing combos with movement and defense. So I’m trying to relax, like Remy tells me, to pick my shots and keep moving.

Dave: Snap that jab… Sssssssnap it… make the bag feel your pain

Me: Don’t be gettin sexy with me Dave

Dave: I’m always sexy!

Look at Dave with the clap back!

Turns out I’m not the only class clown in town.

So … needless to say, right now I’m really feelin’ myself. I mean, I did some THANGS on that bag! I’m jokin around… I’m feeling good and strong and fit and…

Alright! 50 Burpees!…. WITH PUSHUPS

Dave always gotta go and ruin things.

For those of you confused right now… this is what he wanted us to do:

Body: Yeaaaah… NO!

Me: Okay, I know we hate burpees…

Body: AND push ups… we hate push ups too…

Me: Aaaand push ups

Body: And you want us to do BOTH…. together

Me: But I bet if we can just work together on this


Me: I bet we can get through this if we just push ourselves…

Body: How bout we push you? Down the stairs? When we get home.

But I didn’t take my body seriously. I mean… hurting me would be counterproductive, right?

So I started on the burpees. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before… but



Remember how I had made something look easy earlier? yeah… that portion of the day has come to an end. As per usual, one by one everybody else was finishing up before me.

Me: 25! Guys, everybody is already finished and we’re only halfway through. How about a little help?

Body: Absolutely not. I suggest you put an end to this foolishness.

Me: 27! Nope! I know we can do this. 28! 29! 3…

Body: #$%@ This… shut it down!

So… there I am… face down in a pool of my own failure

so how many did you get done?

Me: ……… 30.

Alright… ya owe me 20. Come on in the ring.

….. shut up Dave.

Thankfully, it was raining like crazy… so I didn’t have to deal with the Parking Lot today. But Dave had something just as horrible in mind.


Body: Oh screw this! Where’s my knife?

Me: We can’t ACTUALLY kill Dave

Body: I’ll take you hostage and bust out of here

Not gonna lie… I thought about it.

But, in the end… I like Dave, so he lives. And I realize…

I can still do this.

The Prodigal – Day 1

It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you….

at all.

But, as it happens sometimes, life got in the way, and I haven’t been feeling quite myself.

Sadly, sometimes when that occurs, we neglect the things that make us feel the best. I’ve come to realize that, for all the pain and jaw breaking (pun intended) work involved…

I really love boxing!

And honestly, boxing loves me back! Like, for real though, after 4 weeks…

I look FANTASTIC! I’ve lost not one lb… BUT, my clothes are fitting better. I’ve got more energy. My hourglass is getting more defined, and my ass looks AMAZING (thank you lunge-lunge-squat). I’m showing it to everybody like…

I keep passing mirrors and windows going…

And here, I had stopped the one thing that was making it happen! I see Dave and Donnie out and both of them ask me where I’ve been, and when I’m coming back. So, I decided enough is enough.

Me: Okay enough is enough!


Me: We’re going back to boxing…. starting MONDAY!

Body: Monday’s a holiday…



So Tuesday arrives and I’m super psyched!

I’m lying. I was filled with dread. But more than that, I had a deep and abiding desire… to make someone suffer with me.

Me: *text Jamie* … DTB?


I’m speculating!

So my torture shenanigans were not gonna work, on THIS day. But I pulled myself up by my boot…shoestrings and I made my trek back to Jawbreaker Gym. Now, it’s the day after a holiday, so I thought this would be a good way for me to ease back into the swing of things.


again… I’m speculating.

So, I start wrapping my hands. I’ve missed this. I walk around trying to prepare my mind for what Remy is about to do to me. I see Jenna and I’m starting to feel at home again. Donnie comes in and looks all proud to see me. I make my way back into the torture chamber and I see a new dude.

Well hello there, Silver Fox… HOLY S**T that’s SHANE!

Shane done went and cropped his top, put an extra shine on the earring, had on some new duds….

How long was I gone?!

(Just messing with you, Shane. It’s a really good look)

So it’s just me, Jenna and Shane in class. I’m excited by this, since they’ve both seen me fail horribly, so I don’t have to fail in front of anyone new on my first day back. But… at least I look good in my workout clothes.

Small victories.

Remy: Alright… Shadowbox!

*bell rings*

Me: Okay… let’s do this

Body: We are tired… already.

Me: C’mon… we can do this.

And we did… for what seems like a smooth 43 rounds.

But, as I did it, everything started coming back to me. I heard the voices of the past in a very inspiring montage of encouragement:



You’re fighting yourself…

Don’t push too…


So this is how I die…

Blessed Bell… Thou art sacred.

I ran into the bathroom to gather myself… and possibly throw up. I came out, and was damn near ready to go back in.

Parking Lot.


I feel like my face is an open book. And I believe Remy saw the utter despair etched deep in my eyebrows, because he just pointed to me and was like “give me half lunges…”

I really AM back at square one. And I’ve learned the value of living to fight another day. So, I did my half lunges… horizontally… across the parking lot.

next time, Parking Lot. Next time.

We get back into the torture chamber, and Remy has us doing more shadow boxing… but with defense. He wants us to work on our thought process…

He wants us to think…

and I tried… I really tried.

I was trying to anticipate some things, and roll, and like…

Yeah. It wasn’t happening. We knew it wasn’t happening, and Remy knew that we knew it wasn’t happening.

Alright, y’all… in the other room… I’m gonna help you with your thought process.

… that…. that doesn’t sound… promising.

So we get in the other room and Remy picks up the mitts. Normally, we would get in a semicircle, but there’s 3 of us so we get into a little triangle. So, Remy starts with Jenna, who as usual, is flawless.

He gets to me…

IMMEDIATELY, my hands go up… cuz I learned that the hard way. I’m proud of myself that I remembered to guard my face!

So… as it turns out… there are two steps to guarding your face. The first is putting your hands up. The second, is to



I couldn’t even be mad at Remy, cuz he didn’t even pop me in the face… he made ME pop MYSELF in the face.

And so, I learned the 2nd part of guarding my face.

Remy: …. tighten up

And I did. And I noticed something. I went from stumbling over 1,2,1,2, to actually doing combos. I went from crossing my feet to actually being able to pivot. When Remy throws numbers at me, I’m confused and trying to figure out in my mind what I’m supposed to do, but when he starts, I feel my way through it. I see that arm coming at me and I know to roll. I may not come back quick with anything yet, and I’m not where I WANT to be… but I’m so much further than when I started.

At the end of it, I feel good. I’m proud of myself. Remy even gives me a smirk of respect.

By the time we get to abs, I’m so happy that I’m getting back into the groove. I attack those throw ups with the fervor of a …

Body: you know what… you’re done… shut it down.

Alright… I understand. But I still felt good at the end. I’d missed this so much.

Donnie: So… how you feel on your first day back?

Me: Not gonna lie… I’m hurtin… it’s like I’m at square one.

Donnie: Nah, man. I remember when you started. You ain’t at square one.

Me: Aww **blush**…. wait…

Donnie with the smooth shade….

But it’s cool… cuz I’m back. It’s gonna be long and hard (that’s what she said) but more than ever I have the overwhelming feeling that…

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I can do this… again.

But first… I get Pho!

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Appomattox – Day 10

This weekend, I was ecstatic about finishing up my 3rd week of boxing. I figured “alright, I’m in it now. There’s no turning back, so let’s do this up the right way!”

So I solicited the aid of Nuggets.

For those of you who don’t know, Nuggets is a very good friend of mine who is all … dancey and choreographic… and fit conscious. You know those people who actually make meals with consideration to the food pyramid and… calories and stuff.

Yeah, she’s one of those.

So, I call her up and ask her to take me into her world to get fitness things. And, she was like

…. “sure, okay.” (you should’ve seen her when I asked her to help me meal prep)

I got up fairly early, and decided to head over to Dick’s to try to find some shoes. (I KNOW! I’m like investing in this!)

Dick’s had… well, precisely that.

They had no boxing shoes or wrestling shoes of any kind… so I was sad. Last week, Jamie had debuted some awesome red white and blue shoes that he said he had picked up.

Me: Where did you get your boxing shoes from?

Jamie: Omega Sports in North Hills. I’d call first, though. They’re running low.

Well, as luck would have it, I had to head to North Hills anyway, so Nuggets and I stopped there first. As soon as I walked in, Lee gave me the impression that I had come to the right place. I had to stop myself from running through that store and buying EVERYTHING. But I calmly said

I would like some boxing shoes, please.

He told me that they MAYBE had 3 pairs left, but he would be more than happy to help me out, and he asked me for my shoe size. I met him over on the little bench and had hardly sat down before another young man asked if he could help me (WORLDS difference between the two sales associates I had to track down and hog tie to get some help over at Dicks… but anyway)

Lee came back out with two boxes. One was a 9.5 and the other was a 10.5. He opened the boxes and one was a standard black and white pair (blech) and the other…. was the exact same shoes that Jamie had.

Me: Of course.

Lee: Wanna try them on?

Me: *sigh*… yup.


Me: Why do they fit perfectly?

Nuggets: … cuz.

Me: Why are me and Jamie about to have matching shoes?

Nuggets: Seriously? Could it be any other way?


So, I bought the shoes… AND… they were on sale.

(Seriously though, Lee Hopkins, at Omega Sports in North Hills was everything! And I’m going back for some more Neon Warrior armor!)

So now it was off to GNC. Marine Matt had suggested I go and see George Jefferis for all my supplemental needs. He was really great and helpful as well. He started me off with a multivitamin and some fish oil (cuz my joints … are @$$holes). He said next time, we’d talk about protein.

Looking forward to it, George.

Me: He was cute as hell!

Nuggets: Girl! They are ALWAYS cute at GNC… why do you think I stay fit?!

Me: “Live Well” indeed!

So I felt ready for class. I carefully planned out my outfit and was feeling pretty good.

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I. Am. An American Badass!

Oh I looked FANTASTIC! My girl Stones was there… today was gonna be a good day.

Dave walked in, and I wasn’t even phased.

I was ready for Dave.


I picked my spot perfectly. I was next to Stones, cuz she goes hard and every time I stop, I know she’s say “You got this. Keep going.” And I had Justin in my sights, because every time I see him, I hear him say “Breathe.” because apparently… I forget to do that… a lot.

Speed is going very well. Before I know it, the bell rings. I’m really killin it on the bag work. I mean… I’m pacing myself. I’m remembering to breathe, I’m staying in my stance. I have to remember to bring my hands back to my face, but all in all, I’m tearing into these rounds like a beast!

I’m also realizing that, while I brought my stripey socks just to be cute and funny, they actually helped my calves not burn so much. They get added to the shopping list! This class is going fantastic!

Alright! Meet me outside!

Alrighty, Dave.

I get some water and try to get my mind right. I’ve been losing my most recent battles with Parking Lot. That can’t happen today. I’ve beat it before, and I can do it again.

I can do this.

Alright…. We’re gonna do sprints! Gonna have a relay!

…. I can’t do this.


Me: aww… c’mon, don’t think like that! We used to be pretty fast

Body: YEAH! on Track n Field day! that was 24 years ago! Have you seen your knees lately?!


Me: No… we can do this. I have faith in us.

Body: If you won’t think of yourself, think of your poor hips… pounding that pavement like that…


Me: Look. I’m in charge… what I say goes, and I say we’re doing this… it’s gonna be fine.

Stones: I’m gonna go first.

Jenna: You wanna go second?

Me: I absolutely will NOT go second. I’ll go last.

Body: If you sprint up and down this parking lot… we will murder you… in cold blood.

I see Jenna running towards me and I’m already terrified. What if I can’t do this? What if I fail. Worse… what if I fall?!

All of my worst fears were playing out in my mind and then… I felt Jenna hit my hand.

And, I took OFF!

Me: OMG THIS IS AMAZING! I’m doing it! I’m so freakin’ FAST! I’m already at the end. I am one with the wind!


I did it! I sprinted down the parking lot, and back up. and I was so quick! I was so proud of myself! I was so… So….

…. So this is how I die.

Apparently, Dave recognized something in me, cuz he came over to me with the quickness.

It’s alright. You’re okay. Control your breathing.

My whole being, wanted to be flat on the ground, to await that next place. Dave yanked me up by my arm.

Whoa! no no.. stay up. C’mon, let’s walk around. Raise your arms… breathe.

I’m under the stairs, in a corner of bricks and I was making this weird, wounded noise that I’d never heard before. And I realized that I was 30% gagging, 40% crying and 20% hyperventilating. The last 10% was my body trying to come up with a word other than “No.”

Hey. You’re okay. Slow your breathing down. Control it.

No, no Dave!… I’m absolutely not okay.

I’m unconsciously rubbing my chest cuz I can’t think of anything else to do. I cant breathe. My body has betrayed me in the worst way. But, Dave keeps talking to me. He convinces me that I am in fact not going to die today and if I would just slow down my breathing, so much more air would get into my lungs.

… I really like Dave.

It finally starts to work and I’m more than a little embarrassed. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but if it feels anything like that…

So I hurry myself into the bathroom (I spend a lot of time in there) to sort out my feelings, and now I’m 80% crying and 20% trying to get my breathing regulated. Everything burns and I’m shaking.

Body: Hey… so… things got a little out of hand.

Me: Leave me alone. I surrender, okay?

Body: We’re sorry. We didn’t mean for all that to happen.

Me: I’d like one class where I don’t have a nervous breakdown.

Body: Remember the first time you cried here?

Me: No

Body: Out in the parking lot. You cried cuz you couldn’t make it halfway … doing half lunges.

Me: *sniffle* so?

Body: … well, you just sprinted up and down that bitch.


I rejoined the class and we had to do rotating 1,2s on the bags. I had to stop every so often, but Dave wouldn’t let me give up. He’d tell me to get right back in there.

And I would.

Just like that, the war was over. Mind and Body were gonna try to become a union. It’s the little victories. Every time I pick myself up, it’s another win. Every time I throw myself back into it, it’s another yard gained. I may not be an American Badass.

But I will be one day.

I’ll take it one little victory at a time.

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I can do this.



Wet Bags – Day 9…ish

Okay so…

I actually went to the gym on Tuesday, but I wasn’t feeling all that great, so I ended up being late, and It was apparent to me that class was not in the cards for me on that day, so Donnie was gracious enough to let me work alongside him. We did some jump rope and shadow boxing and I felt pretty good about what I did, but it hardly counts for its own post.

On Tuesday, Jamie texted me to let me know he too was gonna be late.

Jamie: I also need to rehang that speed bag, with which you’ll soon fall in love.

Me: I have no doubt.

So my Tuesday passed fairly uneventful.

Today, I got up, and I was feeling a little bit better. I was still super sore, but I was excited because this was the end of my third week.

I start out with stretching, because my whole body is angry, and I put so much icy hot on myself the night before, that I couldn’t sleep because all of my 2000 parts were at different temperatures, my eyes were watering and my sinuses were FAR too clear!

So I’m looking around the torture chamber, and I’m noticing a couple new bags. Undoubtedly, this will be used in our hour of torment, along with my old friend, Awkward Tire.

We actually start off in the other room. We have to shuffle step twice, touch down, come back up and straight into our 1,2, then shuffle back to starting position. Sounds easy enough… LOOKS easy enough. So, I get in the ring.

IMMEDIATELY, my feet declare mutiny!

Me: Shuffle, shuffle, touch down… 1… What are you doing?

Feet: What?

Me: You’re supposed to move when I hit things

Left Foot: I was waiting for Right Foot

Right Foot: Only YOU move on the 1, … dumbass

LF: Oh! Okay… sorry… GOT IT!

Me: Okay *shuffle back*… shuffle shuffle touch down, 1, 2… Right foot!

RF: What?

Me: You’re supposed to pivot on the 2

RF: oh… right. yeah, you don’t really need me for this.. I’m just gonna hang out back here.

Alien: Right Foot is an a**hole!

Me: Shut up, Bob! Right Foot, we have to do this together, c’mon, do your part

RF: whatever.

Me: Okay, shuffle shuffle, touch down, 1,


Me: … Left Foot! What are you doing?

LF: Right Foot wasn’t going to move, so I’m helping.

Me: okay… that’s really sweet, and I appreciate the enthusiasm, but Right Foot has gotta pull its own weight. Right Foot… I swear…

RF: okay OKAY! Jeez!

Me: Shuffle shuffle, touch down,

RF: Forward…



Thankfully, the round was over, and it was now time to do…

The same thing… except with touch down 2,3… oh yeah, and we’ll throw in another shuffle step.

So… that happened.

I start to notice, that when I breathe in deep, there is a spot on my back that hurts… really bad. I basically end up sitting on the steps wondering what the hell I just did, and fairly convinced it’s Right Foot’s fault.

Remy comes out to check on me. Part of the reason that I wear really bright clothes to work out is 1) Remy can quickly notice when I’ve gone missing. 2) Remy can find me in whatever dark corner I’ve collapsed into.

Remy: You okay?

Me: Every time I take a deep breath… my back hurts **points** right there.

Remy: did you pull your *enter latin name*?

Me:…………… yes.

Remy: Donnie! C’mere! Watch her for a second, I’ll be right back.

So Donnie AND Marine Matt come up, and one thing that I really love about Jawbreaker is that I have yet to meet a mean, rude, discourteous person.

Even more than that, for as much as they torture, batter and work your ass into the ground, they also encourage, enlighten, and genuinely care for everyone there.

Remy comes back from the apothecary, with a vial of Magical Muscle Potion or something, and leaves me to Donnie and Matt. I yank up my shirt and I’m like “somebody just make it stop.”

Matt: Have you been drinking water?

Me: So. Much. WATER!

Matt: … Drink More.

Me: **sigh**

Matt: Where does it hurt? *poke poke*

Me: Riiiiight…… THERE!

Matt:…. you have…. a HUGE knot!

Donnie: You gotta make sure you stretch too.

Matt: See… this is how your muscles work….

And today, I learned how muscles work.

But, once the lesson was over, It didn’t hurt when I breathed anymore. Idk what the hell is in that stuff… but I want some! Icy Hot be damned!

I thanked the guys and I went to try to jump back in class. Remy was explaining the stations, and I heard about half of them. When in doubt… I always start with step ups, cuz… I can’t POSSIBLY screw that up.

No.. I actually did good lol. And I made it the full round. The next station was one of those new bags. It looks like someone took a really huge oversized duffel bag and stitched up the sides Frankenstein style and filled it to bursting with the ashes of the fallen or something. But it still has the handles, and that’s what it’s chained up by.

And so I got to know Hanging Sausage.

Hanging Sausage kinda moves around, so you can work on your jab and cross, but it’s also high enough that you can do some uppercuts. Today, Hanging Sausage was there to take my abuse. Remy helped me go from my 1,2 to step into an uppercut. All in all, I was proud of myself.

Next station was Awkward Tire.

Awkward Tire gets on my damn nerves. It has all the bounce of a trampoline with none of the fun. Like imagine how you felt at your first 6th grade boy-girl dance… and now picture you’re slightly bouncing.

This is supposed to help us get comfortable in our stance and movements, while making sure we keep our feet the proper length apart.

I never do well after Awkward Tire.

Remy tells me to take a break, and I’m just so frustrated with myself. And he can see it.

Hey! Everybody has gotta take breaks!  You’re doing really good. Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. You’re making progress!

So I’m standing against a mountain of tires. I have sweat…. just EVERYWHERE. My gloves are slippery and wet from all the perspiration. And I’m so tired! I’m tired… of getting tired. I’m tired of hearing my pulse in my ears. I’m tired of…

And something weird happened. I got so… incredibly…


For no damn reason!

I wasn’t mad at anybody. I wasn’t mad at anything. I was just… angry in general. And at that moment, everything stopped hurting.

I went back in the torture chamber, and I got in my stance. The next bag was another new one. Now this one… by far the cutest. It looks like all of my favorite 6ft tall punching bags… but 1/3 the SIZE!

Un Petit Baby Bag!

So today’s task on Baby Bag is to keep us moving. Hit and move… combo and move… don’t stop it from swinging, just follow the movements. I hit it once, and the sweat on my gloves left a wet spot on Baby Bag. That was my new target.

I was relaxed (psychotically so) I took my time, I planned out my shots, and before long the round was over. Next up was Bouncy Football. And I wasn’t sure if Bouncy Football realized it or not… but Bouncy Football was about to be my bitch.

I want you just doing jabs on this one…


After dispensing with Bouncy Football, I moved on to Dangly Pear.

I looked at Dangly Pear, and Dangly Pear was already covered with wet spots. It made me smile. I wasn’t the only one sweating. I probably wasn’t the only one tired. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one sore. But the important thing is… you leave it on the bags. You make’m feel your pain.

I love you, Dangly Pear… but you gon take these uppercuts today!

As I’m hitting my slow (but effective) uppercuts, I am reminded, by the drumroll beating to my left, that the speed bag is next.

The young man on it at this time (I haven’t officially met him yet) was obviously born in a ring, with little speed bags hanging over his crib from his mobile. He’s freakin’ insane on that thing.

I put my focus back on Dangly Pear until the bell rang.

Okay Speed Bag… It’s me and you.

Alright, on the Speed Bag… you wanna count your threes… *hit* *bounce bounce bounce* *hit* *bounce bounce bounce* 1,2,3, 1,2,3,

**sigh** oh great… I gotta count again.

Left Foot: What do you want us to do?

Me: NOT A GOD DAMN THING! keep yo ass where you’re at!

Ass: You call me?

So I start off, Really slow. It takes me a good minute because nothing in this gym is as simple as it seems. I can keep a rhythm just fine. However, the Speed Bag, doesn’t just bounce back and forth, it also rotates so sometimes, it does a little sidestep on me.

But after a while, I’m able to keep up a very short, very slow… steady rhythm.


and I couldn’t be prouder when the bell rang.

Me: **giggle** I like this one.

Remy: Jamie said you were gonna love it. A-yo JAIME! She likes the Speed Bag

Jamie: I TOLD YOU!

Me: you know me all too well, sir!

The next station was Inverted Bike.

I was initially happy when I saw Inverted Bike because it was the one thing… I could do… SITTING DOWN!

That little seat was like a beacon calling me.

It’s not until I sit in the seat, that I realize that I may have slipped into a contraption of Jigsaw Proportions

So… you sit in the seat, and in front of you are two handles, connected to pieces of a discarded erector set, and there’s a couple of knobs, and a big ass speedometer on top.

Body: Um… are we gonna die?

Me: ………. probably.

Ass: You call me?

The bell rings and I start hand pedaling. It’s not so bad, kinda like a jaunt in the park. I start wondering why I’ve never noticed this machine before, and I conclude it was probably my own self preservation. You know, like when you yell at people in horror movies not to go down that dark alley.

Remy: Uh-uh! You better get that needle moving!

Me: The needle MOVES?!

Remy: C’mon! WORK!

Me: You betta leave me alone, Remy.

I don’t know what made me say that. Speed Bag got me all cocky and woozy. Without missing a beat, Remy reaches over and spins one of the knobs and the resistance suddenly goes from Jaunt in the park to Mountain goat climbing Kilimanjaro!

Remy: Don’t you sass me in that tone of voice… now WORK!

So, me and Remy have a new dynamic to our working relationship…

Longest two minutes… EVAH!

I thought about sayin’ “Everybody has gotta take breaks!” but I felt like that time had passed.

Next station was Springy Clown.

You remember those lil inflatable clown toys, that had something in the bottom, so when you hit it it would slowly bounce back to you?

So now, imagine that the clown has anger management issues and a really tightly coiled spring.

… yeah. I learned about springs today.

Springy Clown dotted my eye on more than one occasion.

After a while, I got into a rhythm, and actually felt pretty good. I have no idea how I looked, but the important part was…

I stopped getting hit in the face.

Just like that, I was finished with stations.

Remy: We didn’t throw up today…

Me:… no we didn’t hahaha

Personal Best.

It was time for abs. I was almost done. We headed back out to the ring.

Donnie: You feelin’ better?

Me: Yeah, much better now.

Donnie: You always get back in there… you always tough it out. I respect that.

…. Thanks Donnie. That means a lot.

I literally roll into the ring, and it’s time for abs. We have to do … horrible things in the name of abs, and every time we have to do something, I always think to myself “I wish we could do Windshield Wipers… I can do those all day.”

Alright, guys… Windshield Wipers!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but…

I’m a liar.

My first rotation, and my hips (and company) IMMEDIATELY pop. It sounded like I rolled over on bubble wrap.

Me: Omg! Is everybody okay?

Body: I’m not sure, we’re getting reports in from several sectors.

Me: Ass?….. ASS?!


But, I did it. And at the end of it all, I slid out of the ring, because I simply couldn’t do stairs.

I gathered all my things, and I left feeling good, and realizing that it was the end of my third week. I had literally left my sweat and tears all over this gym (I’m sure the blood comes later).

I keep hearing that the first three weeks are the hardest, and I am not disputing that at all. I also hear that if you can make it through those three weeks, you’re more likely to stick with it…

File Apr 08, 3 42 18 PM

I’ll see you Monday.

… I can do this.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with Remy – Day 7

Okay so…

Ya ever have your body do something without your consent… and even, without your knowledge?

… take a trip with me.

I got up and thought to myself

But I was going to the gym, so I was excited about that. I called Jamie, promptly at 11.

Jamie: Morning!

Me:.. uh… hi… good morning (it’s always so confusing when he’s awake)

Jamie: I am already ready! I’ve got all my stuff together, and you don’t even have to come and pick me up.

Me:… uh…

Jamie: I’m stopping by the store on the way… can I get you anything?

Me: yes… you can find me Jamie, and stop using his phone and pretending to be him!

Jamie: hahaha… see ya schahtly!


Jamie: gotcha

At this point, I’m convinced Jamie’s body is being used as host to an invading alien force…

But if they bring me Gatorade, they can have the planet.


So I get to the gym, and sure enough, Jamie is there with the brightest of eyes and the bushiest of tails and hands me the largest damn Gatorade I’ve ever seen.

Take the planet.

So we get inside the gym and it’s off to the torture chamber. We start warming up and I’m stretching because, despite having an entire weekend…


Do me a favor. rest your left forearm on something. Table… chair… whatever. Open your hand, so your palm is facing right. Now, take a finger on your right hand (any finger) and start from the crease of your arm, and run it down to your wrist bone.

THAT… HURTS… on me! I don’t even know what that is! I didn’t even know I HAD one. But it HURTS.

So I’m stretching and Jamie is warming up, and he pulls out these monster gloves that apparently are 2lbs each, cuz he doesn’t GIVE a s**t about his brachioradialis!

…. hmph… you have fun with that.

Remy comes in, and he is excited about the Mort du Jour!

C’mon, lets goooo! Time to go to work!

Me and Jamie stand there looking at Remy and we both realize what that tone of voice means.

Me: oh lord.

Jamie: you know what, I think I’m gonna save the big gloves for another day

Me: good decision

So we all start putting our gloves on and we’re getting in our stances, a couple of taps on the bag, to get ready.

Alright everybody, grab some weights, meet me outside!

…. I know good and damn well, Remy just saw every last person in this class put their gloves on.

He’s just screwing with us now. **velcro**

We grab some weights, and I take a moment to order myself some 1lb weights on amazon. I’m gonna get them delivered to the gym and hide them in the back.

So I grab some 2lb’ers and head outside. It’s time for Shadow Boxing. Again, Remy has to remind me to relax. I tend to do too much when there’s not anything to hit. I’m so tense when it’s just me. So I try to work on my form, and my stance.

My right foot, is NOT on board with anything that we’re doing!

Me: hey, we’re all turned this way… you wanna come join us?…how about come be part of the family?

Right foot:

So… I kinda worked it out. Then we go back inside… and put our gloves on… and it’s time for Speed Bag.. with defense.

I’m doing it. I get tired, but I’m realizing that I have to stop less and less, or for shorter periods of times… which makes me proud. However, one of my problems is I automatically associate speed with power. So, a lot of times, I’ll hit the bag too hard for how fast I’m going, causing me to tire out faster.

Jamie: The bag’s doesn’t know how hard you’re hitting it. If you don’t exert enough force to kill a fly, the bag can’t tell. The bag’s only purpose, is to get hit. As long as you hit it, you’re doing good.

… Alien Jamie has a good point. So, I try to relax, and lightly tap, but keep my speed up. It helps greatly, and I make it through that.



Arms: We want a divorce

Me: I don’t blame you

Remy comes by and was like

uh…. you can do them on your knees

Like I’m some kind of crazy person!

pfft! yeah cuz THAT thought never occurred to me! No! I’m not doing girly pushups! Nobody else is doing girly pushups! How dare you!

So, I did girly pushups.

It was my own pride making me think like that. I wanted to do regular pushups because everyone else was doing regular pushups. But then I realized…


I could barely crank out two shaky replicas of “regular” pushups, before I would just drop face first to the floor. So… I could either continue to do that, or I could do 10 (okay 7) “girly” pushups and actually accomplish something, and build up my muscles until I can do regular ones.

… moment of growth.

And now, it’s time to go outside. I’m not gonna lie, I am in no mood for Parking Lot’s shenanigans today. We get outside, and Remy wants us to do a shuffle step, into a squat. Oh yeah, it’s god awful.

I start off kinda strong, but it goes downhill really quickly. Before long, everybody is leaving me behind again, and I’m just, not up for this, but I keep going. Pretty soon, everybody is lapping me, and it becomes a “Let’s just make it to the sidewalk” kind of day.

I finally make it to the sidewalk and the parking lot is EMPTY. Everybody is gone, I’m bent over, hands on my knees not even wanting to move, but I’m determined to soldier on.

I stand up, and all of a sudden, I got a little lightheaded, and then everything got BRIGHT like the entire world chose the wrong instagram filter.


I blinked a couple of times, and I stumbled over to my favorite bush. I knew I wasn’t going to throw up, but my body was definitely like

As soon as I hit the sidewalk, a breeze hit me, and I thought to myself.

I want this to happen forever… This is what my life is about now… should my face be tingly?

And without my permission… my body laid down on the ground, under the tree, next to a bush, outside of Martin & Jones…

And I could’ve cared less….

I laid there and pondered if my days of defeating the Parking Lot were over. Had I really actually beat it? Was it all some glorious dream in the recesses of my mind?

Brain: No, you actually did it. And don’t worry, you’ll do it again. This is just a minor setback. Don’t give up. You can still do this, All you have to do is get up and…


Eventually, my brain won the argument, and I sat up. I made my way to my feet, and slowly (and in a serpentine pattern) made my way back to the building. The first person I see is Remy, looking mildly panicked.

Remy: Where did you go?!

Me: I was out there, got a little dizzy

Remy: I’ve been looking for you! Where were you?

Me: I was on the ground, under the tree.

Remy: Didn’t you hear me calling you? I went all the way down the parking lot yelling your name!

I heard NOTHING! So now, I’m like

Did I find an entrance to Narnia?

Remy brings me a bottle of water, and he’s asking me what I ate. As I’m drinking the water, I notice my hand is shaking. He tells me to have a seat and I say

Nah… always stay up… I wanna stay moving

He looks at me like I’m crazy, but I at least want to do that much. I pace around, drinking my water. Remy brings me a protein bar. I open it and…

the very aptly named Best Bar Ever … they sell them there, and I actually ended up buying a box. y’all for real, that Apple Pie is EVERYTHING (and quite possibly saved my life)!

I’m walking around and everyone comes out of the torture chamber to get into the ring, and Jamie sees me. He gives me “are you okay?” face. And I give him “I’ll survive.” smile and he gives me “Good girl!” nod.

Wait a minute…

I disappeared?

Everything got bright?

I don’t remember much of what happened?

Did the aliens get me too?

I finish up my bar and my water and I’m like… I’m not going out like this. Everybody’s in the ring, and Remy’s got the mitts.

I wanna hit something.

I get to the steps and Donnie comes over.

Donnie: you alright?

Me: yeah, better now.

Donnie: you getting back in there

Me: YUP!

Donnie: you tough as hell!

LOL… not really. But I appreciated it. I didn’t feel tough. I didn’t even feel worthy. I just wanted to finish. I at least want to finish.

So I climb in the ring, and Remy’s giving me that “You back for more?” look

And I watch everybody doing their lightning fast perfect combos, and I did my slow, awkward ones… BUT, I did it.. and I heard a few good pops in there every once in a while.

Then, Dave walks in.


Dave: Hey, what’s up!

Me: I miss you!

Dave: hahaha!

Good ol Dave…

Next thing I know… Dave has grabbed a pair of mitts, and climbs his ass into the ring…


Alright, 1,2…

I no longer miss Dave.

We finish up with that, and it’s time for abs. Alien Sheenal is not amused. Remy wants us to give him 100 sit ups…

So, like… going from a laying position… to a sitting up one…

100 times.

Me: 1….2….

Body: I hate you.

Me: c’mon… we can do this… 3… 4…

Alien: What is she doing?

Body: Being a bitch

Alien: What means this word?

Body: Wait… who the hell are you?

Alien: uh… Bob…. I’m from out of town.

Me 20… 21…

Alien: How do we stop her?

Body: Idk… lets send down four droplets of pee

Alien: You humans are weird.

Me: 36… 37… Ugh, Quit it!

Body: AHHH! It hurts!

Alien: I don’t like this human. When we take over this planet, she will be the first I kill

Body: Or you can let her actually get to 100 and save yourself the trouble

Alien: Oh, snap! Good one!

As always, I’m the last one to finish… but, I did them all.

I finished.

I’m sure there will be hell to pay, because my body is having a union meeting, and a strike is imminent. But it’s okay, I’ll head back to the Mothership, get rejuvenated, and drag my ass back tomorrow because Alien Sheenal…

Can do this!








Sometimes, They Come Back – Day 6

Okay so…

I decided that my body can only handle going to the gym three times a week. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. But, I’ve gotten to the point that on days when I don’t go… I kinda wanna go, but then my body is like

And then… I sit down, until it’s time for me to go.

So, I was super pumped to get to the gym today. I pulled up to the parking spot, hands already wrapped, looking like a Neon Warrior. I’m strutting up to the building, ready to do battle!

Me: Oh look, Capone’s here! Hey, Capone!

Brain: ……… CAPONE’S HERE!


You ever quickly calculate the odds of being able to get back to your car without anyone seeing you?

Nah, I wouldn’t do that. Mostly because Remy peeked out and already saw me. So I walk inside, and he tells me how much he’s been enjoying my blog.

Oh great! He’s had a couple of days to see what other people have put me through, and formulate a plan of torture that transcends my worst nightmares.

So I scurried off into the torture room before he yelled at me to warm up.

I looked, but I didn’t see my usual lime green jump rope (I think Dave took it) so I just grabbed another one and started. This time, there was no complaints from my calves. I feel like they were saving it up

smart move, calves. Smart move.

So, everyone has different teaching styles, which is good.

Remy’s teaching style is by far the most technical. Again, for me this is good, because my form is all over the place. I have no instincts and I’m constantly talking to myself trying to remember all the things I’m supposed to do.

Boxing is hard because… see, the way my body is set up… I got a top half and a bottom half… and a left half and a right half… and the only time they ever band together…

is when they’re ganging up on me.

Boxing is my civil war. Boxing is attempting to unite all the states of my body. My south is constantly trying to secede.

So, I’m always a little self conscious about how I look.

My favorite spot in the torture chamber is in the back… on the left. Remy comes bouncing in… happy about all the torture… and he LOOKS for me.

Hey… c’mere… right here.

That’s right! Right at the front of the room… with the mirror… so he can see me from no matter where he is in the room.

shrewd, Remy… very shrewd.

So we start off with bag work. Since I’m the derpy noob, I get more than my fair share of Remy attention. But, honestly, this is good. I actually really appreciate it. Now, I mentioned that everyone has their own teaching styles.

Remy’s teaching style, is to tell me, how much I’m going to get hit… and all the things I’m doing… that will get me hit.

Alright, roll that shoulder, or BAM! somebody’s gonna pop dat ear!

Don’t go down so low on your defense or WHAP! somebody’s gonna hit you with the overhand!

Uh huh, keep on not bringing your hand back up to your face…


…. now you’re just making s**t up.

And he’s quiet and quick like a cat, so I will just be in my little zone, and all of a sudden I’ll hear “WHAP BAP BAP!” at the back of my neck.

So now I’m all

from post-traumatic Remy disorder and he comes up to me and goes

… Relax…

I CAN’T! Apparently I’m getting my ass kicked by invisible assassins!

But it was good. I appreciated the time he took to make sure I’m consistently doing things properly.

Okay! Partner Up!

Remy partners me with Sarah Arredondo. I use her full name because although Remy said her name normally, I heard it in Michael Buffer’s voice.

This lady is RIDICULOUS! I’m literally using the bag to keep me upright, and she’s doing power speedbag like this is NOT the longest two minutes EVER!

… Why do you do this to me, Remy?

But, just like everybody else, Sarah is extremely nice, and very helpful. She’s giving me tips while I’m doing it. Remy is still randomly attacking me like Cato from the Pink Panther. And then he decides that we need to do this thing that I will affectionately call

Death Cadence

This is where, we’re not just doing speedbag… not just doing power speedbag, we are doing selective power speedbag depending on what Remy calls out.

So to give you an example, if he were to say “Give me 3s!” you would do 2 regular speedbag hits, and a power hit on the 3rd one. But he didn’t stop there, he started throwing out multiple numbers! Now, when you do it right, it sounds FANTASTIC!

He is the band director… and we are his drumline. Well, they’re his drumline. I’m the random tuba player that got lost.

This, is where my union starts to break down.

This is my Gettysburg.

Many lives were lost.

At this point, there’s only one thing I can think.

Where is DAVE?!

I never thought exerting myself in the name of speed and power would take a backseat to me being able to COUNT!

1,2, th…DAMMIT!

1,2, THREE, 4… DAMMIT!

I don’t even KNOW what my feet are doing right now!

But Sarah was very encouraging, and she let me slow it down a little bit when I needed to. Sometimes I would only get it right once before the bell rang, but I kept trying so…

Remy is also very big on defense. Pretty much every round we do will have some element of defense to it. As part of that, one of the stations was…

Big Balloon.

Now I want you in real close! 1,2,… move your head! Defense! You might get hit in the face… and I’m okay with that!

But I wasn’t too worried… because I learned how to move my face… that’s day 3 stuff.


Anybody remember HS Trigonometry? Remember how angles change everything?

For instance…

If you learn to hit something bouncy from far away, it will not always take the same path as it will when you hit that same object up close.

I learned how to calculate angles today.

Grab some weights!

I go to the rack o’ weights, and immediately find the tiny ones

2lbs?! Ain’t ya got any 1lb’ers somewhere in the back?!

… the answer was no. So I grabbed some 2lb weights cuz it was time for Shadow Boxing!

Apparently a lot of times, I make things harder on myself. Justin has been very nice about giving me tidbits during all our classes. He was kinda reserved when I first started there, but I learned earlier that a lot of people realize how hard boxing is and they don’t stick around so…

Justin’s been hurt before.

I’m not gonna quit you dude…

So anyway, he sees me apparently in a knock down, drag out with own shadow and he’s like

Don’t throw your arm out like that. Just, easy… fluid motion, don’t swing so hard. There’s nobody there. You’re fighting against yourself.

And I’m like Damn! Justin just dropped some existential knowledge on me.

I need to calm my ass down.

So I slow it down, I work on my stance. I work on turning my arm on my jab, I work on turning my hips for the cross. My arms are killing me, but it’s going much better and before I know it… the bell rings.

Remy wants us all outside, and as I make my way there, I see Donnie, and I’m like

Lunges! Let’s Go!

Okay… Here we go Parking Lot.


Body: So… we’ve been talking…

Me: Yeah?

Body: Well, I don’t know if you remember on Tuesday, we had a plan we wanted to discuss…

Lower Back: Show her the diagram!

Legs: Shh! lemme finish! Anyway, I know we planned on killing Dave, but in light of current events

Me: Guys, can we just get to the end of the Parking Lot?

Body: We just crossed out Dave’s name and wrote Remy!

Legs: Oh s**t! Here he comes! Act Natural!

Stomach: Act Natural? My time to shine! *earthquake*

Remy is chatting with me, trying to distract me from my pain. However, pain has been replaced by nausea, but I’m determined to get to that sidewalk. I get there, barely and now, I’m involuntarily gagging.

Don’t do this…

Remy says, “let’s walk back up the side here.”

Which is great, because there are trees on that side, so it’s shady and there’s a nice breeze that is helping, but I can’t stop gagging. It is at this moment that I realize that I need to learn how to spit. Like really spit. You know how guys do that cool HHAAAKKK PTOO!? yeah, I need to learn how to do that, but like, in a nice way… you know…

Well, Remy sees the beginning of my sad, amateur, rainbow trail spit, and just pushes me over towards a bush and goes “Gon let it out!”

Like Remy literally had me in the bushes like

and the slight jolt to my system threatened to push me over the edge.

Me: No… NO!

Stomach: C’mon, man! It’s right there!

Me: No! This is unbecoming of a lady!

I stand up, and I’ve got holly leaves in my hair, little berries in my sports bra… my stomach is still churning, but I slowly make my way back to the building. I have to stop off at another bush and a tree on my way, but I made it to the building with my dignity somewhat intact.

Everyone looks just… BEAT. Remy assesses the situation and in his infinite sadism goes

eh… gimme 300 crunches and you can go

Just 3… that’s all.

Me: you added one too many zeroes didn’t you?

Remy: I could add some commas


But, I said it real low…

Please believe, though… Remy’s getting a strongly worded letter.

So I went and grabbed a spot on the mat and started my crunches.

Stomach: Okay, I know you’re a little upset with me, but I don’t think this is a mature way to handle it.

Me: look, this is not my idea. Remy wants 300 crunches.

Stomach: 300?! what is this, Sparta?!

Me: hahaha … that was funny.

Stomach: hehehe thanks. Seriously though, 300 is a bit much.

Me: I tell you what… just gimme 20.

Stomach: okay, done.

Me: That was good! I barely felt that… can you do that again?

Stomach: Boom!

Me: Damn! we’ve already done 40! I bet you can’t do 20 more.


Stomach: I know what you’re trying to do.

Me: Okay, please just… let’s just take them 20 at a time. We’re already almost 1/3 of the way done.

Stomach: Can’t we just lay here for a while, and after an appropriate amount of time passes, we just slip out?

Me: No…we can do this… everyone else is doing their 300, we’re gonna show that we belong here, we’re gonna finish ONE thing today in its entirety!

Stomach: You think somebody’s gonna snitch, don’t you

Me: Trust no one.

So it took me a long time. One by one, everybody in the class finished until I was the only one on the mat. There were times when I laid there looking at the ceiling, evaluating my life decisions, but I would just take a deep breath and start my next 20. Eventually…

298, 299, 300!

I did it. I did one thing in it’s entirety. I did one thing just as good as everybody else. I’m chalking today up as a win.

I am strong.

I am resilient.

I am NOT giving up.

I AM… The Neon Warrior! And…

File Apr 04, 5 33 49 PM

I can do this!