My friends, in their infinite wisdom are always giving me suggestions about my life. Lately, I’ve been hearing that I should blog more. More than one friend has told me I should work for Buzzfeed.
I think they’re absolutely right! I LOVE Buzzfeed, and I’m all kinds of hilarious and creative. Yeah, let’s make that happen! But how?
Well, it is 11:14pm on a Thursday night, and I absolutely ABHOR applications, so my approach is to kill two birds with one stone. I will begin blogging more, A LOT more. Like, so much more it’ll cut into my very important regimen of scrolling through my Dish Network guide saying “Ooh Gladiator!… AHHHH, it’s that boxing one!”
I shall do this in the hopes that someone at Buzzfeed (or an equal medium of time eroding videos and quizzes) will say “Hey, your opinion matters more than most people’s, and we would like to pay you to share them, whilst working from home in your underwear”!
You might be wondering what all of this has to do with the title Slut Mode, and many of you are already beginning to feel as though you’ve been trolled. Not to worry… Send in the Sluts!
For my first foray into full-on blogdom, I’d like to start with an ongoing conversation that my girlfriends and I have been having for about… all our lives.
Friday morning, I received this text from my good friend Beaker (Nope, that’s not her real name)
Of course, I chuckled at this, but after the truth of it sank into my brain, I could only text her back a simple…
Let me preface everything that comes after by saying, please don’t come at me with some feminist insanity, or political correctness bullshit. Seriously.
I do not use the word slut to describe any person, or group of people. For the purposes of this post, Slut, and all of its variations are used to describe a state of being, a state of mind and body (mostly body).
Women can be slutty. Men can also be slutty. All manner of races and sexual orientations are slutty. What I’m talking about is nothing negative or derogatory. It is simply, a part of life.
There are times in my life, when I consider myself to be in full-on Slut Mode. What does this mean? I’m so glad you asked.
You ever wake up in the morning, crack your one eye open and look at your alarm clock? You notice it’s time to get up, so you roll over, and the sheet slowly slides across your body in an unexpected caress? You brush it off, beginning your morning with a stretch. As you extend your arms, you can’t help but notice the arch of your own back, the prominence of your breasts, and the gruff, throaty quality to your waking-up groan. Out of nowhere, you run your fingers through your own hair, grabbing a fistful in the process.
For a moment, you lie there, mildly confused. You sit up, swinging your legs over the side, and your toes hit the carpet. You glance down at your feet. Have your arches always been so curvy? In contemplation, your tongue peeks out and runs across your lip, before you slowly tuck it inside your mouth and gently bite.
Congratulations, you just woke up on the slutty side of the bed.
You don’t know how long it will last, you don’t know what caused it. You only know that there isn’t much that you’ll encounter that won’t turn you on, and the mental list you keep of people you’d like to sleep with will have tripled by the time you’ve gotten to lunch.
Again, Slut Mode isn’t an assault on your character. It’s more of a sexy version of bloodlust. You have an overwhelming desire for sex and depravities you can hardly forgive yourself for dreaming up. From your first contact with the outside world, you feel as though you’re being targeted by a pheromone air strike! I mean, honestly, like your loins are a part of operation clean sweep! Some of it just doesn’t even make sense!
You walk out to your car, and you see your neighbor tamping down bags of trash into an already overflowing trashcan, and all you can think is “yeah….. stuff that shit in there… stuff it all in…” Before you can even become disgusted with yourself, You find yourself mentally barking at the hot guy jogging with his jack russell… and you’re pretty sure the dog heard you.
You jump in the car, telling yourself to get a grip, then all you can picture is Vin Diesel gripping the steering wheel while you’re straddling him in an empty parking garage.
Suddenly, the world, this world you’ve lived in all your life, has, without warning, been filled with sexy people. I’m telling you, they’re EVERYWHERE! And, the cruelest trick of all, you will begin to notice little things about people you’ve seen every day. Did Jim always have that tattoo? I never noticed how round Elena’s ass is!
Slut Mode is like walking into a buffet, and you are STARVING. You think “Oh I’ll have one of those…aaand one of those, ooh chocolate, I’ll take two!”
Slut Mode is the body’s Catholic Recitation. “I’d like to have sex with you… and also with you.”
It doesn’t mean you’re promiscuous… it just means you WANT to be.
For most women, Slut Mode only comes(giggity) at the WORST time – slap bang in the midst of their period! Can nature play a crueler trick? here you are, probably feeling the most disgusting you ever feel, and all you want is for someone to fuck your brains out!
But, sometimes, Slut Mode waits for no uterus! Sometimes it hits you right out of the blue and you just have to… er… ride it out. Me personally, I don’t often encounter a day were I simply do NOT want to have sex at all. Just… doesn’t happen. However, it can be equally despairing to be so horny that you are affected by every glance, every touch, and even inanimate objects. I mean, I can’t be the only one that has fondled my gear shifter for an obscene amount of time at a red light.
What’s worse, is when it seems like no amount of sex (singular or plural) will curb your appetite.
I’m here to tell you… all of you who are (or will be) afflicted: It’s okay. I sympathize, empathize, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You can’t help how you feel, you can only control what you do. So, please, use what little blood you can divert to get up into your brain. People in your view may NOT be as sexy as they appear. That guy in the suped up pickup with the 50″ tires is very likely a douchebag. Getting back together with your ex is almost ALWAYS a bad idea.
There is a high potential for regret if you let Slut Mode run willy nilly over your life. So, charge up those batteries, and if worse comes to worst (or best, depending) Always practice safe sex! As my friends and I like to say…
We Do Slut The Right Way!