Aerial Silks – Week 2 – The Majestic Gazelle Gallops On

That time of the week rolled back around, and once again it was Monday.

No problem, though, because I’ve been upside down and rolled up into a ball… so CLEARLY I’ve got this silks thing all sewed up!

The Majestic Gazelle Gallops On!

I strut my confident self right into Cirque de Vol. I’m so excited, I’m even early. The kid’s aerial class is still in session… how adorable. No prob… I’ll just have a seat in the corner over here.

Look at the little kiddies… ahh… I remember when I was a beginner…

say…. what’s that they’re doing, right there?

Angela: Oh, Sara’s teaching them how to climb today.

Me: Climb?

Angela: ** sinister chuckle** you’ll find out.

First of all, that chuckle was all kinds of unnecessary. I am a majestic #&@%! gazelle in case everyone’s forgotten.

Then, I happen to look up, and this little girl goes scurrying up the silk like a freaking squirrel!

Let me repeat that. A little girl… I don’t know, like 5 or something (I don’t have kids, I don’t know at what age they’re able to scurry up things) went zipping up the silk, with just her hands and feet… !!!!

Brain: uh Jim, we’re gonna need a confidence drain in sector 5

Me: Belay that, Jim!

**Tiny Mary Lou Retton scampers back down the silk flawlessly**

Me: … alright… go ahead, Jim.

Right about now, I would really like to eat a bucket of chili cheese fries and three donuts in my bed. But I remember that, at some point, I was a majestic gazelle…

The Majestic Gazelle Gallops On!

Class ends, and all the little showoffs go home with their parents (I hope they have tons of homework, too… like fractions and stuff!) and it’s time for me to try to remember what I was so proud of just twenty minutes ago.

We begin much like last time, stretching our necks and shoulders and arms, which is very important. Then, as expected, we went right into our tree pose. I powered down, foot to calf, and stretched my glorious branches up and out high. I even survived a fairly stiff breeze.

Sara: “Now, when you find a steady point, let’s close our eyes…”

Me:

We headed into our downward dog, getting a lovely stretch in our hips and thighs and all those things I have no earthly business stretching.

Sara: “Okay, now we’re going to take our right leg, bring your knee to your chest and then kick it up behind you, now let your knee bend, dropping the foot back and then we’re going to stretch and look underneath our right arm up to the ceiling!”

Me:

Someone forgot to tell Sara that we are still in downward dog… but she just sounds so excited…

bless her heart.

So… I’m trying to do this thing… and I don’t know if it actually has a name, if it does, I’m positive it’s not something I’d want to say in polite company. The best way I can describe it is… imagine a flamingo… then give it T-Rex arms. Now, stand behind it….

and push it over.

Arms: We’re cutting you out of the will.

Me: … fair enough.

Sara: “Now, we’re going to take our leg and we’re going to extend it out real wide and I want you to give me five biiiiig hip circles!”

Now… while it’s true that my hips don’t lie…

those hussies will plead the 5th in a minute!

Hips: Um… yeaahhh. We don’t do that.

Me: I know, but we’ve gotta try.

Legs:

Me: Are we doing it?!

Hips:

Okay, so my hips will lie. Good to know.

Sara: Alright, now let’s do the other side!

Me:

Nailed it.

I’ve never been so happy to do Cat-Cow in my entire life! We moved on from there to stretching out our legs, ankles and such, and finally it’s time to get on the silks.

It’s a good thing I’m a gazelle, because I look like I’ve just been running through the Serengeti for real! This gazelle is tired, and doesn’t want to gallop on! Where’s a hungry lion when you need one?!

Sara: “Alright, let’s get our knots tied and see what you remember from last week!”

Me:

Inversions are my new favorite thing! I want to be upside down all the time! But, I still had to try out my wrist lock and pull up, and of course, my Phoenix and Gazelle. I’m psyched. I’m pumped. I’m so ready!

Sara: “Alright, let’s take those knots out and learn our first lesson! Okay we’re going to bend our right knee, and what you’re going to want to do is wrap one pole of the silk around your right leg, all the way around so it goes across your ankle, then you’re going to want to pull up strong, bringing your left foot on top of your right, so that it makes a +, trapping the silk, then you will have started your first step to climbing!”

Me: Climbing? **looks at Angela**

Angela:

Brain: We don’t like Angela

Me: Nope… me either.

Alrighty… let’s do this. On the ground. Yeah, let’s do this on the ground first. Okay we wrap the silk… all the way around. and then I put my foot across it like… this. Okay. This looks good – in theory. Now, let’s try it off the ground.

Right Knee: RK, reporting for duty!

Leg: Got the silk wrapped from knee to ankle ma’am, foot overhang is textbook!

Me: Left foot, you ready to deploy?

Left Foot: I’m getting static over the comms… over!

Arms: We need a go/no-go for launch!

Me: GO GO GO GO!

Body: We have liftoff!

I did it!

Sara: “Now, if you think you have a handle on it, and you’re feeling brave, just repeat the motion and try to climb up the silk!”

Body:

Me: Aw c’mon! we at least have to try it!

Body: You keep saying that… but we really don’t!

Me: C’mon. One climb up.

So… apparently my body was right on this one. Climbing was not in the cards. I’m clearly not stronger than a 5yo (or however old that tiny squirrel was)

Sara: “Are we ready to learn another pose?”

Me: YES! Poses are everything!

Body: Can we talk to you for a second?

Me: Shh! Sara is speaking!

Sara: “Alright! We’re going to go into our inversion, but this time, I want you to wrap your legs around the silks and stretch them up.”

Me: Oh piece of cake! We’ve got this!

Body: We really need to have a chat with you

Me: It’s an inversion. You love inversions!

Body: We think we might have to murder Sara…

Me: Are you insane?! Absolutely not! I like Sara! I forbid it!

Sara: “After you’ve gotten into your pose,  I want you to give me 10 crunches!”

Me: Still… doesn’t hurt to hear the plan…

Crunches… upside down… dangling and swinging…

But… I got through it… somehow.

On to the next pose!

Sara: “Alright, now we’re going to get into the same pose, but this time we’re going to climb up the rope!”

You know those flash mobs when everybody stops, making it seem like the world has suddenly ended? Yeah, you could’ve heard a cricket eating a marshmallow in the corner for how quiet it got. Everyone thought we were going to have to climb up the rope while upside down, and probably doing 10 crunches. We were all gonna murder Sara!

Sara: “From your inversion, legs wrapped, we’re going to reach up and grab the silk, pull up strong, pushing your legs down, and keep climbing until you have… TADA! Diaper Pose!”

Yes, it is as uncomfortable and awkward as it sounds. This one is definitely going to take more practice, because the only thing more graceless than me in the diaper pose, is me trying to get into the diaper pose. But in the end…

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I’ve got a pretty pair of pink huggies!

Me: Status report!

Body: 98% of the population is alive and well

Me: Has anyone heard from the thighs? Thighs! Come in!

Thighs:

Sara: “Okay, now we’re going to learn how to scissor-kick onto our silk!”

Me:

I wish I had some scissors.

Sara: “So we’re going to tie our knot a little higher. We’re going to grab one pole of our silk with both hands, and then **unnecessarily ridiculous flip** you want to kick up, and get one of your legs in between the silks. From there, you grab the other side of your silk, stiffen your leg and push down while pulling up strong, we’ll get your other leg through and then **big dumb dummyhead smile of accomplishment** we sit pretty!”

Body:

Me: … I know… Just… don’t say anything.

Brain: Has anyone noticed that we keep getting higher?

Me: Just… **sigh** everybody shut up.

So I tied the knot around shoulder high, then I wrapped both of my hands around one leg of the silk… and proceeded to stand there and stare at the place that my leg was supposed to land. Like, I honestly did calculus or whatever math subject deals with making the impossible happen. I feel like hypotenuse is a term I should be using. Either way, once again, solve for NOPE.

Sara clearly saw my distress and came right over. I almost felt bad for calling her a dumb dummyhead in my mind. I just kept looking down at my foot and up to the silks in my hand like … “just… please get up there!” But Sara was very sweet and patient.

Sara: “You can do it… it’ll get up there, I promise. Just kick up strong.”

Body: It’s a trap.

Me: I think I can get my leg up that high, but getting it between the silks requires more coordination than I think I have.

It’s not fun having to admit something like that. I see everyone else around me, and I pretty much feel like everyone can do this but me.

Sara: “Will it help if I hold the other end out of the way?”

Me:

Sara: “Okay. I’ll try to stand out of the way so you don’t kick me in the face.”

Me: I’m gonna do my best not to kick you in the face.

Body:

Me: Shut up, Body!

So, I tightened my grip and kicked up with all my might, and SUCCESS! One leg is perched upon my knot and the other is dangling precariously (and heavily) below me.

Me: I forgot what I’m supposed to do next!

Sara: “Grab the other pole, straighten your leg, push down hard, pull up strong! There you go!”

Me: Okay, I’m putting the nobody-kills-Sara rule back in effect!

Body:

Me: Angela! Take a picture! Cuz I’m only doing this once tonight!

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They say a picture is worth 1000 words. My favorite part is what they leave out! I look good right?! Who would’ve thought?!

Alas, class had come to an end.

I came in full of confidence.

I came in and got showed up by a bunch of toddlers.

I came in thinking that there’s no way I can possibly do the things I’ve seen people do on tv.

I came in believing I’d never make it more than two feet off the ground.

I came…

I came in…

 

Until next week!

Inverted Smiles,

RCB

 

 

 

 

 

Aerial Silks – Week 1 – The World Turned Upside Down

My mouth has a bad habit of writing checks. Unfortunately, my… er… hind quarters constantly find themselves in the middle of a bank holiday.

So, when my friend suggests that I take a 6-week aerial silks class, I automatically say:

Are you KIDDING me?! A chance to float gently in the air like a glorious feather on a breeze, draped in miles of shimmery soft fabric?!

Plus… I’ve seen Cirque du Soleil… so I’m practically already a pro.

SIGN ME UP!

I’m not entirely sure if I forgot that I was 5’5″, almost 200lbs and not the most graceful of creatures, or if I just chose to live in denial of these facts. Aerial silks seemed completely plausible to me.

The day finally came, and I’m super duper excited!

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Look! Look at me! Do you see that smile?! I am so ready for all the things!

… poor child.

The time comes for class to start and our lovely instructor Sara, starts us out with some stretching. Makes sense! Stretching is sure to help with the floating gently on the breeze… alright! Let’s do some stretching! We warmed up our shoulders, our arms and our necks. Pretty easy, I’ve totally got this.

Sara: “Next, we’re going to start with a tree pose. I want you to stretch out your toes.. stretch them out wide, and power through all four quadrants of your foot and root it to the earth.”

Me: I’ve been doing tree pose for three years. My wii never told me to do anything special with my feet! And since when does my feet have quadrants?… When did we get those?!

Body: Three weeks ago, the invoice is on your desk.

Good to know. Alright, so we’re rooting our foot. I didn’t even know I could do that. I’m not sure I’m doing it right, but my foot looks hella weird, so I’m going to assume everything is in working order.

Sara: “You are going to take your right foot and bring it to rest on your thigh, or on your calf. You do NOT want to rest it on your knee.”

No problem! Here we go!

Body: Hey buuuuddy… whatcha doin’?

Me: I’m going to put this foot up on the thigh here… tree pose.

Body: You sure you don’t wanna go for the calf, there?

Me: Nah. We’ve got this!

Body: 

……….

Me: soooo… do we want to try the calf?

Body: …You’re the boss.

No shame. I put my foot up as high on my calf as I could get it. I am going to float gently on the breeze if it kills me.

Sara: “Alright, once you feel secure, you can bring your hands in prayer position in front of your heart. If you’re feeling unsteady, it might help to focus on a fixed point.”

Alright! Look at me. I’m a tree. Apparently my root has taken hold because my trunk is strong and solid and I’m the steadiest stump in the forest!

Sara: “Now, we want to extend our branches up hiiiigh… reaching to the sky!”

Me:… uh… o..0kay. 

So I reached up, and out, slowly… but I got there. Yes! Gaze upon my branches! High and outstretched they are!

Sara: “Now, let’s get a breeze going!”

Me: Whyyy? Why would we do that? Why can’t it just be a mild spring day, and we just stand here… still and tree-like?

Floating…. Gently. We can do this.

Sara: “Now, bring your hands back to prayer position, and when you feel steady again, if you’re brave, try to close your eyes.”

Body: We took a vote. We’re going to suggest you not do that.

Me: I feel like we can do this. I mean, we just survived a pretty strong breeze, I really think we’ve got this, guys!

Body: Here’s the petition. We have about 500 signatures.

Me: Nope! We’re floating gently on the breeze! Eyes closed!

Body: Alright, Bob… close’m up!

Me:  IMMEDIATELY

Okay, so I didn’t faceplant, but yes, from now on, I stay eyes wide shut.

Sara: Alright! Let’s warm up our spines! Let’s do a little Cat-Cow Pose!”

Me: ooh! Cat-Cow! That sounds interesting… and she sounds super excited about it. I wonder what this is going to be?

Body: Uh… so, I don’t know if you noticed, but we seem to be warming up a lot of parts of us. We were wondering how gentle is this breeze we’re preparing to float on?

Me: SHH! We’re gonna do Cat-Cow!

OTHER PEOPLE DOING CAT-COW POSE:

ME DOING CAT-COW POSE:

But, my spine is sufficiently stretched. and after being a tree in the wind, it felt pretty good. Next we did a series of downward dog/plank/cobra poses.

In summary:

It was finally time to be draped in shimmery soft fabric!

Body: You do realize you haven’t even started yet, and you’re already sweating, right?!

Me: 

So our first order of business was to learn how to secure our wrists with the silks, in order to do a standard hold, raising our knees to our chest.

**WARNING**

At no point… has your body… gotten any lighter than when you started! Please take that into account when doing your calculations on how easy this should be.

(solve for NOPE)

Next, we got to learn how to tie a silk knot. This knot is deceptively simple. It’s really easy to tie, it’s really easy to untie, and yet, it is able to hold all of my weight without coming undone!

I totally nailed tying that knot. I’m practically a sailor now!

We came to our first lesson… a simple inversion. My knot was where it should be, I “put on my backpack” as instructed. I leaned back, feeling the support of my weight by the silks … and then… I….

So, you don’t expect to learn certain things about yourself while taking a simple class. But apparently… I have trust issues (and control issues. and issues letting go… quite literally). So an inversion, is not unlike a trust fall. You’re safe and secure, your feet planted on the ground, your hands holding you upright. You know the knot is tight, you can feel it completely supporting you. You simply need to… let yourself go… backwards.

And just like that, my world turned upside down. (And yes, I screamed) The silks held me firmly in place by the hips. My hands were still gripping the silks (like death itself) and my legs… I don’t know what the hell they were doing because I couldn’t exactly find them.

I hear Angela in the background shouting “LET GO!”

…. calm down Sonny Jim… that’s enough out of you right now.

Me: Hey guys, can we put an APB out on the legs?

Body: **ALARMS** We’ll have to get back to you! We’ve just had several emergency calls come in at once!

Luckily, Sara was there to guide me. AND… she found my legs!

After the initial shock of putting everything back to rights, I was completely hooked. It still takes me a moment to trust that I can let go and everything will be okay, but each time gets easier. And it feels AMAZING!

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I was once again ready for all the things!

Next, we were going to be an AIRPLANE! It wasn’t exactly a feather on the breeze, but I’ll take it!

Sara: First we want to sit in our silk like a swing

FINALLY! I’ve been practicing for this my whole life! I don’t want to brag… but I don’t know if there’s anyone in class better at sitting than me.

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That is some top-notch sittage!

Sara: Then we’re going to slide back, so that the knot comes under our knees.

Are you KIDDING me?! DEEP SITTING?! You might as well send everyone else home… I’ve SO got this!

Sara: Now, we’re going to lift our right knee and place our foot onto the knot, then we’re going to pull up, standing up tall, then extending the arms, pushing the hips forward and we’re going to be a wonderful airplane

Me: 

Ugh… I don’t even want to BE an airplane. Why are we going to ruin all of this beautiful sitting by standing up … on a knot!

First of all, I forgot to slide back, so I was trying to get my foot in a place that my butt was already occupying. Once I corrected that, getting my foot in position, I couldn’t figure out how to get my body upright, apparently, that’s where that first lesson of the standard hold came in handy. So I pulled myself in to some semblance of a shaky stance.

Me: I don’t think I like it up here…

Body: We’re plotting to murder you.

Me: What?!

Body: Sorry… was this thing on?

Sara: So push your foot back, and shift your hips forward, spread your arms wide.

Me: But… isn’t that how the death happens?

But apparently, the combination of those actions actually cause you to be more stable despite being held up completely by fabric…

But, I trusted Sara and wouldn’t you know…

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I’m an airplane!

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Body: Alright, let’s not get cocky…

Me: 

Sara: “Would you like to learn one more?!”

ABSOLUTELY!

Sara: Alright, we’re going to start with your simple inversion, but this time I want you to bring your left leg across the front of the silks, perpendicular to your body. Your other leg you’re going to let drop, then arch your back, reaching around to grab your other foot and then you have…. the GAZELLE POSE…. everybody got it?

Me: 

Body: Did she seriously twist herself into a pretzel, unwind herself like a french braid and ask if we “got it?”

Me: shh… poker face.

Body: We’re going to die, you realize that right?

Me: Well, we are going to die floating gently on the breeze… like a FEATHER!

Body: Okay dude… seriously…

Me: Shut up! We’re doing this!

Body:

Me: Okay… inversion… and then we bring… the leg… oh god where are my legs?!

Body: **radio silence in protest**

Me: Hey! There’s one of them, okay, this one comes across here. **looking around** yup. Okay now the other one we drop

Leg: **standing straight up**

Me: DROP!

Leg: 

Me: Okay… then we grab… we grab… WHERE DID IT GO?!

Sara found my foot for me, and put it in my hands. I feel awkward and ungainly. I feel chunky and weird and dangly. I am spinning, and most definitely not floating gently.

… I’m not a glorious feather…

I’m not a feather at all. 😦

You never expect to learn certain things about yourself by taking a simple class. I learned more than my fair share on this night. Yes, it’s true, I’m 5’5″, almost 200lbs with a wealth of emotional and psychological hangups. I may not be the most graceful of creatures, and I may not even be a feather. But do you know what I am?

 

 

 

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A MAJESTIC @$#%! GAZELLE!!!

And, I’ll see you all next week!

Inverted Smiles,

RCB

 

 

 

Hannibal

Okay so…

Starz has been showing Hannibal quite a bit this month. When I first saw it listed in my guide, I was naturally excited. I love these movies. Hannibal Lecter is one of the most charismatic and likable “villains” ever portrayed, and Sir Anthony Hopkins does a FANTASTIC job.

Now, I admittedly haven’t seen Hannibal in a few years. Though Silence of the Lambs and Red Dragon (my least favorite of the series) play very often, Hannibal doesn’t make it’s way across my tv very often. And while I always loved these movies, I’ve recently started seeing them in a little bit of a different light.

I discovered something about myself that forced me to text my best friend in a panic… knowing she would be the only one who would understand.

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Now, stick with me on this.

While I can go into an entire tirade on the love story that is Hannibal and Clarice, I have other things to write and I don’t have the time, so we’ll focus on the last 30 minutes.

**spoiler alert**

 

 

 

 

We have Hannibal who has just been captured by the insane man that wants him to die in the most horrible way, and has been plotting said death for YEARS (obsessed much?). Enter Clarice, Knight(tress) in shining FBI badge who saves the day, but in the process ends up getting shot.

This doesn’t stop the madman (who oddly enough, is not the cannibal serial killer) who is hoping above hope that his plan will still be carried through. But, the only thing that’s carried… is Clarice. In the midst of the melee, Hannibal frees himself, lifting an unconscious Clarice above a sea of murderous beasts, with little to no concern for his own safety. He calmly begins strolling out of his prison, Clarice in arms and tells the madman’s exhausted minion that he can feel free to kill him…

“You can always say it was me.”

Naturally, Cordell takes him up on this offer. But it’s not the offer thats the great part. It’s the fact that it was honestly the fact that this was an afterthought, a byproduct of an argument overheard. This man, who had orchestrated every part of Hannibal’s attempted demise, was met with a “meh” kind of an end. This becomes important later.

Now, we see Hannibal driving Clarice off to an undisclosed location while she slips in and out of consciousness. Flash to their arrival. Hannibal (who is a doctor… lest we forget) is seen tending to Clarice’s gunshot wound. He removes a bullet, and fixes her up with a perfectly beautiful … blanket stitch or whatever the hell you call that thing… whatever it was… it was ridiculously precise and absolutely gorgeous as far as stitches go.

Now, I know you might be thinking… “Why are you going on and on about someone stitching up a wounded woman?” Let’s remember… this wounded woman has been HUNTING him… trying to put him in PRISON…. FOREVER. Some of y’all are sitting next to a dude right now who wouldn’t go to a store and buy you a pack of tampons cuz the thought of you bleeding naturally “freaks him out” gtfoh.

Now, we see Agent Krendler, a misogynistic, disgusting asshole who has been the bane of Clarice’s existence the whole movie, yelling at his asst on the phone while driving his obvious “penis car” to his house in the middle of nowhere. He’s instantly chloroformed by Hannibal. (this is important later)

Clarice is lying on a bed… dressed BEAUTIFULLY, a single votive burning on the nightstand, and the ceiling fan rotating at a moderate pace (for her comfort, no doubt). She struggles to sit up, obviously drugged. It is at this moment that we notice that she is dressed in an outfit picked out of a magazine by Hannibal especially for her. Let’s talk about this outfit for a minute.

It’s beautiful. It’s even sexy… in an extremely classy way. Black halter with a low back, but tea length with fairly sensible strappy sandals. Now… not only does Hannibal have good taste, but this also shows forethought and planning. He had to ORDER SHIT!

And let’s talk about the fact that she was clearly undressed and redressed WITHOUT being molested in the slightest! Hannibal Lecter, in all his insanity, is above the base degradation that apparently resides in some of our more famous athletes, entertainers and politicians… but I digress.

As a woozy Clarice is stumbling around… Hannibal… is in the kitchen… COOKING!

Clarice happens upon her stuff, next to a telephone that’s been disabled. But she’s a smart lady, she works around that. Now, it’s notable that while she gave fleeting attention to the gun on the table, she never picked it up. It isn’t clear whether or not the clip is there, but no matter what, she chooses not to pursue using her gun as a means to ending this confrontation bound to happen. So, she gets the phone to work, and it’s one of those older model phones with the lights along the bottom, to let you know when it’s in use. Whilst cooking, Hannibal notices the illumination, knowing that Clarice is obviously using the phone… and not likely checking on movie times.

He checks his watch… then CONTINUES CHOPPING PARSLEY. He knows Clarice’s unwavering ethics. It’s one of the things he admires most about her. He knows she’s called for backup and he simply adjusts his time accordingly. He accepts Clarice as she is, and accepts the obvious limitations to their relationship.

Think about the last time you broke up with a dude. How many of you were NOT called a bitch, or a whore, or told you were no good in bed anyway?…. moving on.

Clarice takes one last look at her stash of belongings and makes her way down the stairs. As she approaches the dining room (where the voices are coming from)

“Clarice, what are you doing up? You should be resting. Get back to bed.”

Clarice enters the dining room and Hannibal is there, cooking table side, with Agent Krendler in attendance (obviously drugged out of his mind)

Now, All the alphabet organizations are on their way to the house… Clarice had intentions of bashing Hannibal over the head with a snow globe, and what does this man do? Takes the time to compliment Clarice on how she looks.

This entire time he is STILL calmly cooking….

He asks Agent Krendler to say grace… which quickly turns rude and disparaging towards Clarice.

“Paul, now you’re being rude. And I hate rude people.”

He hands Clarice a bowl a broth, and she tries a noble attempt at stabbing him. She’s easily overpowered, but instead of being angry, once again, he accepts that she has to try to detain him by any means. His punishment? he wrestles the knife from her, and gives her a not so sound wrap on the hand with said knife… a proverbial “slap on the wrist”. He loves that she’s so dedicated. He adores her purity of spirit.

It’s at this point that he takes off Paul’s hat, revealing that he has sawed the top of his skull off, to reveal his brain (such as it is) still residing inside his head. Paul is still mildly coherent, moving around, talking and such. Understandably uneasy at the sight, Clarice attempts to shift attention away from whatever Hannibal has planned. He immediately attempts to put her at ease, assuring her that Paul feels no pain.

She offers to trade him information in exchange for letting Paul be, and though very subdued, we see Hannibal’s first sign of temper. Not because she insulted him, and not because she doesn’t want him to do “his favorite thing” but because what she’s attempting is something so obviously beneath her, and in defense of someone who is, in his mind (and mine) a scumbag.

It’s at this point that he cuts out a portion of Paul’s brain, and begins to fry it… then proceeds to FEED IT TO HIM… while Clarice watches.

It’s at this point that I would like to backtrack a little bit. Let’s talk about Mason Verger. This man spent countless hours and dollars in an attempt to capture Hannibal, so he could sit and watch as wild boars tore him to pieces and ate him. Hannibal nonchalantly remarked that his assistant could feel free to kill him if he wished. The officer that snuck around trying to help in this capture, was disembowled and pushed out of a window to hang (all in all, a fairly quick death). The street thug who tried to get Hannibal’s fingerprint as proof of life was stabbed, a major artery hit, and bled to death (again fairly quickly).

Paul Krendler, who had never met Hannibal, didn’t really put any kind of effort into capturing him, and honestly had committed no infraction against Hannibal himself, except for the fact that he INSULTED CLARICE, and tried to ruin her career…

This man he drugged… sawed off the top of his HEAD… cut out a piece of his BRAIN… and FED IT TO HIM!!!!

Y’all are not hearing me… let’s continue.

Hannibal and Clarice have a discussion in which he asks her if she would deny him his life. He talks about her courage and incorruptibility and how she doesn’t need acceptance from the FBI or a medal for proof.

“All you would need for that, Clarice… is a mirror.”

Dude… for real?! I need a hero.

Now Paul, unable to leave well enough alone, chimes in, throwing more shade at Clarice. Realizing that time is running short, and that Paul is upsetting Clarice (also the fact that he’s officially made his point) he takes Paul away and starts cleaning up.

When is the last time your man did the dishes? Just… saying.

So, Clarice picks up a candlestick for what is to be the final showdown.

After a sexy little tussle (the refrigerator move was awesome) he asks her

“Would you ever say to me ‘Stop. If you loved me, you’d stop’?”

She tells him no… because as he does for her, she accepts him the way he is, and somewhere deep down respects and admires many things about him too. He of course loves this answer. He kisses her, and we hear the click of handcuffs (clearly the one thing she did decide to take from her belongings upstairs… where the hell was she hiding them, though?!) meanwhile, a single tear rolls down her cheek. She can’t change who she is… she has to do this.

He’s not even mad. At some level, he probably expected this. He asks her twice for the key. At an impasse, he grabs a cleaver, holding their hands together on the chopping block. This is all fun and games, but Clarice is now actively standing in the way of his freedom.

“Above, or blow the wrist, Clarice?”

I mean, you can’t blame the guy. If you were faced with spending the rest of your life in a 10×10 cell with no windows and little access to anything that might keep you sane (relative term, I know) what would you do?

I’ll tell you what Hannibal did.

“This is really gonna hurt.”

He cut his hand off.

Yeah… read that again. Let it sink in.

He cut… HIS… hand off!

There are dudes out here that can’t even be bothered to reply to a text… and this man, CUT OFF HIS HAND… instead of hers, to gain his freedom.

He was literally… sitting on a plane… WITHOUT A HAND! Leaving the woman trying to put him in jail… COMPLETELY in tact!

Now, make no mistake. I have no desire to be in a long term, long distance relationship with a serial killer or psycho, and especially not a cannibal. However, I reserve the right to say that…

That was downright sexy and romantic as hell.

What can I say… I’m an old softie 😉

Fortunately, I have friends that understand me.

img_6405-2

 

 

Sexy Things

So… a year ago, I found this article:

Here

And I mentioned that I should probably write a post about things I find sexy, because people are always amazed by the things I find sexy, because it rarely has anything to do with actual sex, and physical things.

Pick Up Artist

If you wanna guarantee that my stomach does a little flip… pick me up. This is a tricky one for me sometimes, cuz I’m not exactly a tiny thing, so you generally have to possess some strength to get me off the ground. Now, that being said, there are of course levels to the sexiness of it based on the style of pickup.

“over the threshold”,”damsel in distress” pickup.

I know a lot of girls like this traditional style. But, it’s actually not my favorite. I mean, it’s cool, don’t get me wrong, but it always makes me feel like I twisted my ankle or something.

“under the arm” pickup.

This one is slightly better. It has a playful quality to it, but makes me feel like I’m a dancer that just messed up the big lift.

“over the shoulder toss” pickup.

… NOW we’re getting somewhere! Yes… I like my men to have a lil caveman in’m! This pickup is abrupt so always elicits a squeal from the recipient, and I, for one, like to be caught off guard. It also almost ALWAYS comes with an ass slap finisher… and I’m kinda into that.

and finally…

The SCOOP

**sigh**… let’s all pause for a moment of silence.

This is by far top of my lift list. If, as a man, you walk up to me, look me dead in the eye, drop slightly so you can grab the back of my thighs and lift me up…

DUDE!

If you are in front of me and you’re hugging me and you slide your hands down to just beneath my ass and you pick me up and wrap my legs around you… you might as well gon’ and lick both of my X chromosomes… cuz I’m thinking of licking something of yours.

 

Chivalry things

I love chivalry. Always have, and always will. And while I will always admire and appreciate the acts, there’s something ridiculously sexy about a man who is inherently chivalrous. If it comes natural to you to open a door, give up your seat, I automatically see you in a different light. If you give me your arm while we’re walking (especially if I’m in heels) or say “lemme walk you to your car” when I leave…

yeeah…

 

Be Handy

Okay… so this is a two-parter. No offense to my computer guys… you can be sexy too. However, a man that can, and does, work with his hands… well he can grind my gears anytime. I love guys who build things, fix things, screw things…. drill things…

I might have gotten off topic, but you know what I mean.

Now, the other half of that… I like a man who’s also handy. If you handle something for me, especially something I’m dreading… mmmyessss.

Sexy statements include:

  • “I’ll take care of it.”
  • “I’ll handle it.”
  • “I got you.”
  • “You don’t need to worry about that.”

If something is clearly stressing me out, and you’re gonna do what you can to take some of that stress off of me… you’re a sexy beast.

 

Short Sleeves & Work Gloves

Don’t laugh. I’m dead serious. I’ve done extensive research on this. Something happens inside my body when I see a guy in a t-shirt wearing work gloves. You honestly don’t even have to be WORKING on anything… just walk past… and I’m like “who dat?” I’ve noticed that while a guy in a tank w/gloves is attractive, its not nearly as sexy as the tee/glove combo. I think I might have worked out why.

The combination of the t-shirt and the work glove make the perfect framework for bicep-to-forearm line of sight. It automatically enhances the size and shape of the bicep, while also accentuating the forearms. With the tank, you start getting into shoulder/chest area and it can detract from the sweet spot unless you’re actually Built Ford Tough.

 

Guys That Can Dance

YES! Just… YES! I don’t even care what style of dance you do. If you can control your body to the rhythm of music… than you can control it to the rhythm of mine… that’s just where my mind goes. It also takes a lot of confidence to dance in front of other people. Confidence is hella sexy. Extra points to guys that do well with partner dances. If you can lead, it’s very likely I’ll follow.

 

Laughter

I LOVE a guy that can make me laugh. I mean really laugh. Like, that laugh where you just can’t get yourself together. That laugh where you’re almost embarrassing yourself because it’s so loud and grating and there’s probably a snort or two thrown in. The kind of laugh that just keeps bubbling up even when you think it’s over. The kind of laugh you can’t keep quiet. And when you look over, he’s just smirking at you… looking pleased with himself.

On the flip side of that, I think it’s sexy when a guy is comfortable enough with himself to allow himself to laugh like that around you. Every person has that laugh that they let out when something really tickles them. A guy that lets that out, in all its glory… well, at that moment, he’s sexy.

 

Notice & Remember

This is another big one for me. I think its incredibly attractive when a guy notices things about me. Now, yes, I think it’s great when a guy notices when I’ve done something with my hair, or if I have on new shoes. But what’s really sexy, is when a guy notices my little quirks and idiosyncrasies. The things I didn’t think anyone but me knew I did.

“What’s wrong? you only _____ when something’s bothering you.”

Showing that you pay attention to more than what’s on the surface is incredibly arousing. I love when a guy can read my facial expressions. It’s a turn-on to be able to have a conversation without speaking. Especially across a room.

It’s sexy when he remembers things about me. It could be the smallest thing. In fact, the smaller the better, in this case. Remember the things I like, and the way I like them and I’m gonna like you.

 

Do What You’re Good At

Okay… I admit it. I am a complete and total Talent Whore. I think there are very few times where a man is sexier, than when he is doing something he is really good at. You play an instrument well? You’re automatically 75% sexier while doing it than at any other time. You love to draw? Lemme watch you sketch. Guarantee you I’ll have some feels!

It doesn’t really matter what the talent is. When we enjoy something, and we feel like we’re good at it, that’s when the rest of the world gets a glimpse of the full extent of how passionate we can be. And passion… in all its forms… is a turn-on for me.

 

Thinkers

Yes… we all know intelligence is sexy. It’s hot to have smarts. But, even more than that, I love guys that think. No, I don’t believe those are mutually exclusive. You can know how to do things, you can learn a wide variety of subjects. But life doesn’t fit into square books and neat little boxes. I love a guy that can think his way through things. All too often, life does not do what you plan, expect, or even what it’s supposed to. It’s sexy to watch someone figure his way through a problem, from the simplest repair, to the biggest existential crisis, with nothing but the determination that he’s gonna break through it no matter what it takes.

rawr!

 

Winkers

A smoothly executed wink never fails to mess me up. I’m always looking around, always watching my surroundings. But if a guy catches my eye from across the room and just does a quick, concise wink with a half smile, I automatically let out one of those little breathy giggles… whether I want to or not.

 

Drivers

Anybody can drive fast… it’s that pedal on the right. What I love is a GOOD driver. I love a man who knows how to er… handle his machine 😉 . Even better if he knows what to do with curves…

 

Ta-Da!

I’ve seen a lot of things in my lifetime. I’ve got great instincts (although sadly, when it comes to things concerning me, I constantly second guess them) and have gotten really good at reading people… so honestly, the sexiest thing a man can do… is take me by surprise.

Class Clown – Day 11

Okay so…

Yesterday was a major setback. But, that meant I was looking forward to today, because whenever I have a bad day, my next day is usually great.

Today was no exception.

We had a couple of new faces in class.

Dave walked in, but to his dismay, some of the bags were not that sturdy… seems like some of the bolts were loosening.

oh nooooo….. who could’ve done such a thing?

Just kidding. Sabotage is far too much work. That kind of thing just happens over time.

So he decided he wants to make the torture chamber safe for us (imagine that)  before we do any bag work.

Alright, let’s start in the other room, grab some weights!

So we all head to the other room and grab some weights (Memo to me: check tracking on the 1lb weights)

Alright! All 1,2! Keep your feet moving!

It’s taken me 4 weeks, but I’ve finally learned how to pace myself. If I’m going to last two minutes, I’ve realized I can’t go full out from the start just yet. I still get tired, but I’m lasting longer and actually able to get right back to it in most cases. I’m actually pretty proud of my progress so far.

**BUZZ** Thirty seconds! Let’s pick it UP!

… shut up Dave.

But, I made it through the round. My arms are on fire, and my legs… well, they’ve sent me a written warning.

Next Round! I want all jabs! All jabs!

Me: uh…

Left Arm:

Me: Well I have to! Suck it up… it’s just 2 mins… *jab….jab…*

Left Arm: I got yo 2 mins…

Dave: Keep Going! I’ll be right back!

Left Arm: Okay… he’s gone. We can stop.

Me: No!… that would be cheating!

Left Arm:

**BUZZ**

Me: *mocking* THIRTY SECOOOOONDS! Let’s WORK!

everybody laughed.

Dave is gonna kill me.

… worth it.

So Dave fixed the torture chamber for us, and now we can do bag work. We’re all working on the left side of the rack, so we’re in close quarters. No hiding today.

Alright, I want 1,2,3, slip, slip, roll, 2,3,2! Let’s Work!

Me: **sigh**

**BUZZ**

Me: 1,2,3, slip, slip, roll, 2,3,2.

…..

Brain: Wait….

Body: WHAT?!

Me: Did I just do that right? The FIRST time?? AT NORMAL SPEED?!?!

Holy… Who would’ve thought?!  While I’m feeling all proud of myself, I look to my left, and I see an expression that I knew all too well. Trish had the same expression I had just last week when Dave would throw out a bunch of numbers at me.

“Hey… its okay to slow it down. 1….2….3…. slip…. slip… rooooooll….. 2….3….2…. the speed will come when you’re comfortable.”

Brain: Did you… just give ADVICE to someone?!

Me:

I honestly thought that day was months, if not a year down the line, but like everyone keeps telling me, we all start somewhere, and everyone goes through the same things. I understood the feeling of your mind understanding and your body just being hostile and uncooperative.

A lot of time, it still happens to me, but every now and then (when I can shut off my brain) they work together. And I realized that, at that moment, for the 2 seconds it took to do that combination, I was the one that made something look easy! Which meant…

I was getting better!

It really snuck up on me.

We did some more combinations, a lot more bag work, and I got tired, but all in all, I was hanging in there a lot better than usual. Dave has us doing combos with movement and defense. So I’m trying to relax, like Remy tells me, to pick my shots and keep moving.

Dave: Snap that jab… Sssssssnap it… make the bag feel your pain

Me: Don’t be gettin sexy with me Dave

Dave: I’m always sexy!

Look at Dave with the clap back!

Turns out I’m not the only class clown in town.

So … needless to say, right now I’m really feelin’ myself. I mean, I did some THANGS on that bag! I’m jokin around… I’m feeling good and strong and fit and…

Alright! 50 Burpees!…. WITH PUSHUPS

Dave always gotta go and ruin things.

For those of you confused right now… this is what he wanted us to do:

Body: Yeaaaah… NO!

Me: Okay, I know we hate burpees…

Body: AND push ups… we hate push ups too…

Me: Aaaand push ups

Body: And you want us to do BOTH…. together

Me: But I bet if we can just work together on this

Body: FIFTY…. TIMES!

Me: I bet we can get through this if we just push ourselves…

Body: How bout we push you? Down the stairs? When we get home.

But I didn’t take my body seriously. I mean… hurting me would be counterproductive, right?

So I started on the burpees. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before… but

I REALLY HATE BURPEES.

…. AND PUSH UPS

Remember how I had made something look easy earlier? yeah… that portion of the day has come to an end. As per usual, one by one everybody else was finishing up before me.

Me: 25! Guys, everybody is already finished and we’re only halfway through. How about a little help?

Body: Absolutely not. I suggest you put an end to this foolishness.

Me: 27! Nope! I know we can do this. 28! 29! 3…

Body: #$%@ This… shut it down!

So… there I am… face down in a pool of my own failure

so how many did you get done?

Me: ……… 30.

Alright… ya owe me 20. Come on in the ring.

….. shut up Dave.

Thankfully, it was raining like crazy… so I didn’t have to deal with the Parking Lot today. But Dave had something just as horrible in mind.

PLANKS!

Body: Oh screw this! Where’s my knife?

Me: We can’t ACTUALLY kill Dave

Body: I’ll take you hostage and bust out of here

Not gonna lie… I thought about it.

But, in the end… I like Dave, so he lives. And I realize…

I can still do this.

The Prodigal – Day 1

It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you….

at all.

But, as it happens sometimes, life got in the way, and I haven’t been feeling quite myself.

Sadly, sometimes when that occurs, we neglect the things that make us feel the best. I’ve come to realize that, for all the pain and jaw breaking (pun intended) work involved…

I really love boxing!

And honestly, boxing loves me back! Like, for real though, after 4 weeks…

I look FANTASTIC! I’ve lost not one lb… BUT, my clothes are fitting better. I’ve got more energy. My hourglass is getting more defined, and my ass looks AMAZING (thank you lunge-lunge-squat). I’m showing it to everybody like…

I keep passing mirrors and windows going…

And here, I had stopped the one thing that was making it happen! I see Dave and Donnie out and both of them ask me where I’ve been, and when I’m coming back. So, I decided enough is enough.

Me: Okay enough is enough!

Body:

Me: We’re going back to boxing…. starting MONDAY!

Body: Monday’s a holiday…

Me: TUESDAY THEN!

Body:

So Tuesday arrives and I’m super psyched!

I’m lying. I was filled with dread. But more than that, I had a deep and abiding desire… to make someone suffer with me.

Me: *text Jamie* … DTB?

Jamie:

I’m speculating!

So my torture shenanigans were not gonna work, on THIS day. But I pulled myself up by my boot…shoestrings and I made my trek back to Jawbreaker Gym. Now, it’s the day after a holiday, so I thought this would be a good way for me to ease back into the swing of things.

Remy:

again… I’m speculating.

So, I start wrapping my hands. I’ve missed this. I walk around trying to prepare my mind for what Remy is about to do to me. I see Jenna and I’m starting to feel at home again. Donnie comes in and looks all proud to see me. I make my way back into the torture chamber and I see a new dude.

Well hello there, Silver Fox… HOLY S**T that’s SHANE!

Shane done went and cropped his top, put an extra shine on the earring, had on some new duds….

How long was I gone?!

(Just messing with you, Shane. It’s a really good look)

So it’s just me, Jenna and Shane in class. I’m excited by this, since they’ve both seen me fail horribly, so I don’t have to fail in front of anyone new on my first day back. But… at least I look good in my workout clothes.

Small victories.

Remy: Alright… Shadowbox!

*bell rings*

Me: Okay… let’s do this

Body: We are tired… already.

Me: C’mon… we can do this.

And we did… for what seems like a smooth 43 rounds.

But, as I did it, everything started coming back to me. I heard the voices of the past in a very inspiring montage of encouragement:

Relax….

Breathe….

You’re fighting yourself…

Don’t push too…

Body: IT’S HOT AS SATAN’S TOENAILS!

So this is how I die…

Blessed Bell… Thou art sacred.

I ran into the bathroom to gather myself… and possibly throw up. I came out, and was damn near ready to go back in.

Parking Lot.

sonofabitch.

I feel like my face is an open book. And I believe Remy saw the utter despair etched deep in my eyebrows, because he just pointed to me and was like “give me half lunges…”

I really AM back at square one. And I’ve learned the value of living to fight another day. So, I did my half lunges… horizontally… across the parking lot.

next time, Parking Lot. Next time.

We get back into the torture chamber, and Remy has us doing more shadow boxing… but with defense. He wants us to work on our thought process…

He wants us to think…

and I tried… I really tried.

I was trying to anticipate some things, and roll, and like…

Yeah. It wasn’t happening. We knew it wasn’t happening, and Remy knew that we knew it wasn’t happening.

Alright, y’all… in the other room… I’m gonna help you with your thought process.

… that…. that doesn’t sound… promising.

So we get in the other room and Remy picks up the mitts. Normally, we would get in a semicircle, but there’s 3 of us so we get into a little triangle. So, Remy starts with Jenna, who as usual, is flawless.

He gets to me…

IMMEDIATELY, my hands go up… cuz I learned that the hard way. I’m proud of myself that I remembered to guard my face!

So… as it turns out… there are two steps to guarding your face. The first is putting your hands up. The second, is to

ACTUALLY GUARD YOUR FACE!

*WHAP!*

I couldn’t even be mad at Remy, cuz he didn’t even pop me in the face… he made ME pop MYSELF in the face.

And so, I learned the 2nd part of guarding my face.

Remy: …. tighten up

And I did. And I noticed something. I went from stumbling over 1,2,1,2, to actually doing combos. I went from crossing my feet to actually being able to pivot. When Remy throws numbers at me, I’m confused and trying to figure out in my mind what I’m supposed to do, but when he starts, I feel my way through it. I see that arm coming at me and I know to roll. I may not come back quick with anything yet, and I’m not where I WANT to be… but I’m so much further than when I started.

At the end of it, I feel good. I’m proud of myself. Remy even gives me a smirk of respect.

By the time we get to abs, I’m so happy that I’m getting back into the groove. I attack those throw ups with the fervor of a …

Body: you know what… you’re done… shut it down.

Alright… I understand. But I still felt good at the end. I’d missed this so much.

Donnie: So… how you feel on your first day back?

Me: Not gonna lie… I’m hurtin… it’s like I’m at square one.

Donnie: Nah, man. I remember when you started. You ain’t at square one.

Me: Aww **blush**…. wait…

Donnie with the smooth shade….

But it’s cool… cuz I’m back. It’s gonna be long and hard (that’s what she said) but more than ever I have the overwhelming feeling that…

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I can do this… again.

But first… I get Pho!

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Appomattox – Day 10

This weekend, I was ecstatic about finishing up my 3rd week of boxing. I figured “alright, I’m in it now. There’s no turning back, so let’s do this up the right way!”

So I solicited the aid of Nuggets.

For those of you who don’t know, Nuggets is a very good friend of mine who is all … dancey and choreographic… and fit conscious. You know those people who actually make meals with consideration to the food pyramid and… calories and stuff.

Yeah, she’s one of those.

So, I call her up and ask her to take me into her world to get fitness things. And, she was like

…. “sure, okay.” (you should’ve seen her when I asked her to help me meal prep)

I got up fairly early, and decided to head over to Dick’s to try to find some shoes. (I KNOW! I’m like investing in this!)

Dick’s had… well, precisely that.

They had no boxing shoes or wrestling shoes of any kind… so I was sad. Last week, Jamie had debuted some awesome red white and blue shoes that he said he had picked up.

Me: Where did you get your boxing shoes from?

Jamie: Omega Sports in North Hills. I’d call first, though. They’re running low.

Well, as luck would have it, I had to head to North Hills anyway, so Nuggets and I stopped there first. As soon as I walked in, Lee gave me the impression that I had come to the right place. I had to stop myself from running through that store and buying EVERYTHING. But I calmly said

I would like some boxing shoes, please.

He told me that they MAYBE had 3 pairs left, but he would be more than happy to help me out, and he asked me for my shoe size. I met him over on the little bench and had hardly sat down before another young man asked if he could help me (WORLDS difference between the two sales associates I had to track down and hog tie to get some help over at Dicks… but anyway)

Lee came back out with two boxes. One was a 9.5 and the other was a 10.5. He opened the boxes and one was a standard black and white pair (blech) and the other…. was the exact same shoes that Jamie had.

Me: Of course.

Lee: Wanna try them on?

Me: *sigh*… yup.

…..

Me: Why do they fit perfectly?

Nuggets: … cuz.

Me: Why are me and Jamie about to have matching shoes?

Nuggets: Seriously? Could it be any other way?

Me:

So, I bought the shoes… AND… they were on sale.

(Seriously though, Lee Hopkins, at Omega Sports in North Hills was everything! And I’m going back for some more Neon Warrior armor!)

So now it was off to GNC. Marine Matt had suggested I go and see George Jefferis for all my supplemental needs. He was really great and helpful as well. He started me off with a multivitamin and some fish oil (cuz my joints … are @$$holes). He said next time, we’d talk about protein.

Looking forward to it, George.

Me: He was cute as hell!

Nuggets: Girl! They are ALWAYS cute at GNC… why do you think I stay fit?!

Me: “Live Well” indeed!

So I felt ready for class. I carefully planned out my outfit and was feeling pretty good.

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I. Am. An American Badass!

Oh I looked FANTASTIC! My girl Stones was there… today was gonna be a good day.

Dave walked in, and I wasn’t even phased.

I was ready for Dave.

Speed!

I picked my spot perfectly. I was next to Stones, cuz she goes hard and every time I stop, I know she’s say “You got this. Keep going.” And I had Justin in my sights, because every time I see him, I hear him say “Breathe.” because apparently… I forget to do that… a lot.

Speed is going very well. Before I know it, the bell rings. I’m really killin it on the bag work. I mean… I’m pacing myself. I’m remembering to breathe, I’m staying in my stance. I have to remember to bring my hands back to my face, but all in all, I’m tearing into these rounds like a beast!

I’m also realizing that, while I brought my stripey socks just to be cute and funny, they actually helped my calves not burn so much. They get added to the shopping list! This class is going fantastic!

Alright! Meet me outside!

Alrighty, Dave.

I get some water and try to get my mind right. I’ve been losing my most recent battles with Parking Lot. That can’t happen today. I’ve beat it before, and I can do it again.

I can do this.

Alright…. We’re gonna do sprints! Gonna have a relay!

…. I can’t do this.

Body: NOPE!… NOPENOPE

Me: aww… c’mon, don’t think like that! We used to be pretty fast

Body: YEAH! on Track n Field day! that was 24 years ago! Have you seen your knees lately?!

Knees:

Me: No… we can do this. I have faith in us.

Body: If you won’t think of yourself, think of your poor hips… pounding that pavement like that…

Hips:

Me: Look. I’m in charge… what I say goes, and I say we’re doing this… it’s gonna be fine.

Stones: I’m gonna go first.

Jenna: You wanna go second?

Me: I absolutely will NOT go second. I’ll go last.

Body: If you sprint up and down this parking lot… we will murder you… in cold blood.

I see Jenna running towards me and I’m already terrified. What if I can’t do this? What if I fail. Worse… what if I fall?!

All of my worst fears were playing out in my mind and then… I felt Jenna hit my hand.

And, I took OFF!

Me: OMG THIS IS AMAZING! I’m doing it! I’m so freakin’ FAST! I’m already at the end. I am one with the wind!

Body:

I did it! I sprinted down the parking lot, and back up. and I was so quick! I was so proud of myself! I was so… So….

…. So this is how I die.

Apparently, Dave recognized something in me, cuz he came over to me with the quickness.

It’s alright. You’re okay. Control your breathing.

My whole being, wanted to be flat on the ground, to await that next place. Dave yanked me up by my arm.

Whoa! no no.. stay up. C’mon, let’s walk around. Raise your arms… breathe.

I’m under the stairs, in a corner of bricks and I was making this weird, wounded noise that I’d never heard before. And I realized that I was 30% gagging, 40% crying and 20% hyperventilating. The last 10% was my body trying to come up with a word other than “No.”

Hey. You’re okay. Slow your breathing down. Control it.

No, no Dave!… I’m absolutely not okay.

I’m unconsciously rubbing my chest cuz I can’t think of anything else to do. I cant breathe. My body has betrayed me in the worst way. But, Dave keeps talking to me. He convinces me that I am in fact not going to die today and if I would just slow down my breathing, so much more air would get into my lungs.

… I really like Dave.

It finally starts to work and I’m more than a little embarrassed. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but if it feels anything like that…

So I hurry myself into the bathroom (I spend a lot of time in there) to sort out my feelings, and now I’m 80% crying and 20% trying to get my breathing regulated. Everything burns and I’m shaking.

Body: Hey… so… things got a little out of hand.

Me: Leave me alone. I surrender, okay?

Body: We’re sorry. We didn’t mean for all that to happen.

Me: I’d like one class where I don’t have a nervous breakdown.

Body: Remember the first time you cried here?

Me: No

Body: Out in the parking lot. You cried cuz you couldn’t make it halfway … doing half lunges.

Me: *sniffle* so?

Body: … well, you just sprinted up and down that bitch.

Me:

I rejoined the class and we had to do rotating 1,2s on the bags. I had to stop every so often, but Dave wouldn’t let me give up. He’d tell me to get right back in there.

And I would.

Just like that, the war was over. Mind and Body were gonna try to become a union. It’s the little victories. Every time I pick myself up, it’s another win. Every time I throw myself back into it, it’s another yard gained. I may not be an American Badass.

But I will be one day.

I’ll take it one little victory at a time.

File Apr 14, 4 42 32 PM

I can do this.