I’m sitting here in my office, on what will probably be the longest Friday in history, and I had to write a quick post about my best friend.
She may not know it (or she probably does… she’s crafty like that) but the last few days, I’ve felt crazy (yeah yeah, I’ve felt crazy for more than the last few days… but let’s just say, it’s gotten worse)
I’ve always had the problem of letting the world get to me… but it’s getting worse … the world and the problem, that is…
okay see… this is EXACTLY what I’m talking about… I’m trying to compose myself enough to explain to you exactly what has just happened while I was typing this post.
My phone rang and I answered it and on the line is an admin from another area, trying to set up a meeting. I’m like okay… so far so good… until I realize there’s a lot of shuffling, and muttering… and I realize she’s reading… she’s reading the emails to find out exactly what she’s supposed to be doing… because, it would be UNTHINKABLE that you know what you want BEFORE you call someone!
So I get to listen to her reading off of emails… then, she figures she should probably get to the task at hand, so asks me when my boss would be available for next week. I look and give her a couple of dates and time and each time I’m met with “ehhhh…. that won’t be good” until finally…. FINALFUCKINGLY! (new word… pass it on) she decides that it would behoove her to mention “well you know, only Monday really works for my boss”
THEN WHY THE FU…. **deep breath… gag…. exhale**
Okay… well on Monday… we can do this time…
I think I should mention that this whole time… whether real or perceived, she’s acting as though I’m kinda the hold up for all of this….
So we agree on a time… she hangs up…. calls me back 12 seconds later “Um, what was your name again?”
**eye twitch**…. thats okay… she probably needs it so she can add me on the appointment and keep me in the loop
… not so much… she wanted it so she could email me everything we just said… so I can make my own appointment… that’s totally easier
That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about. I’ve been feeling like I’m truly losing it lately. I went to visit a friend last night, and going through the subdivision, where all the houses are like every other 3rd house and there’s this tiny road that you can only drive 25 mph on and its only big enough for one car at a time, and both cars have to stop in the road because some yuppie suburbanite is riding his bicycle with full reflective gear and flashing headlight in the MIDDLE of the “road”and you pass the mom that’s walking all the neighborhood kids and the 2 dogs and I just want to do something bad.
I was literally driving to her house, through her subdivision thinking… I wanna do something bad to someone, and I immediately felt guilty even though, I didn’t wanna hurt anyone… I didn’t wanna break any laws… I just wanted to do something bad to someone… like throw a really tightly packed snowball at someone’s shin…in the middle of summer… while they’re wearing shorts…and watering their lawn, and it would cause them to fall and when they did, they would hit the soft part of their knee on the metal end of the hose… not actually breaking skin… just that mashing pain… you know like just elaborately vaguely mean things!
It’s starting to get scary, cuz I feel… crazy… just like really crazy… it makes me sad and angry at the same time and more than a little scared. I’ve been having crazy nightmares lately and just generally had a sucky attitude towards the universe at large.
At times… everything seems so fucking ridiculous and useless and more often than not, I find myself throwing my head in my hands and either muttering to myself or out loud (depending on the proximity of whoever I’m talking about)
OMG! I SERIOUSLY DONT CARE I COULD NOT CARE LESS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STFU… NONE OF THIS MATTERS! PLEASE GET AWAY FROM ME AND TAKE YOUR NONSENSE WITH YOU!
at least once a day, that thought runs through my head, accompanied by:
“wow you’re so full of shit”
“do you EVER shut up”
“oh lord what do YOU want”
and the list goes on. There’s just so much… hatred and injustice in the world. And the things we’re concerned with… they truly mean NOTHING. Headlines that are so completely opposite find themselves side by side as if equally important. It becomes maddening. We’re all suffocating in the masks we all wear. My ability to recognize the masks of others, coupled with my refusal to reveal them, becomes MY mask… and sometimes, I feel like I’m drowning over here… Does anybody else see this?
Which gets me to my point (finalfuckingly right?)
I drown, on a daily basis, in this sea of inanity (and no, i didn’t mean to type insanity). Constantly, I’m trapped by nothingness, held prisoner in a vortex of vapidity. Imagine being in the middle of the desert, except with no sand. Imagine seeing nothing but wide open spaces. There are no bars, no doors, no locks. So it would stand to reason that you’re free to go… but you can’t move. You’re paralyzed. The more you look out, and see nothing, the easier it is to believe that maybe there’s nothing out there to see, so even if you’re no longer paralyzed, you still don’t move, cuz there’s nowhere to go.
(I swear guys, when I started out it wasn’t supposed to get this dark. I meant for this post to be a sweet, feel good post about my best friend… I’m gonna try to salvage this)
So, every morning, when I sit down at my desk, I open the same programs every day. And when I open Yahoo messenger, the first person I message is her. “morning mayhem” sometimes it’s capitalized, sometimes it’s in all caps… depending on how I’m feeling… and I go through my days, snatching moments of happiness like a video game. You can see them coming and you grab at them, knowing if you can get enough, you’ll power up, and you can face the rest. And then, every now and then, you get a glittering mushroom, or a flashing cherry, or a bouncing banana.
A powerup… all on its own…
You didn’t have to collect 100 coins or rings or clear all the bricks
It’s just there… because the creator of the game thinks you deserve a fighting chance, thinks you deserve an edge, cuz there’s so many spaceships and ghosts and little spike-shelled turtles out to get you. and it’s just you out there… and there’s so many dots to gobble, and so many pipes to slide down and so many barrels to jump… and at any moment, you could hear that sad music, and see “game over” flashing… taunting you.
They gave me Mayhem. So on a day where I feel my throat closing up… which is good cuz I just might throw up from all the anxiety I feel pressing down on me… somehow, we’ll start a conversation about call girls… one that will end with her saying
“So that’s why I’m poor.”
and I’ll look at that phrase (or one like that) on my screen and every vile part of me, and every broken part of me, and every beaten part of me, and ever evil bone in my body and every inch of over sensitive skin, will all break out in laughter at the same time, and it’ll ring down the hallway, and my body will shake until it hurts, and tears will roll down my cheeks and I will throw my head back and slide down until my neck rests on the top of my chair and I will just laugh and laugh
and I will take comfort in the fact that everyone down that hall, probably thinks I am crazy… without realizing how lucky they are… because thanks to her, I’m a hysterically laughing crazy… which is a much better crazy than the one I started out as that morning.
Moral of the story: somebody nominate this chick for a nobel… cuz she has saved lives
(and seriously though… let’s get finalfuckingly trending!)